a new one....
it could be a=- religion of lilith, it could be something completely more relevant to the lives of many who come across this material, but in the end it will be my perspective on life, and how i have come to see things so differently that i am clinically mentally disabled without any recourse of being cured, or potentially even specialized treatment for bare-bones management of the disease, i am helplessly in too deep to my life to turn back, and race against time to try and free myself from the scourge of anti-social behavior, even if it is only words, it is still intolerable by many, disregarded my more, and ignored by most, as being totally and entirely predisposed to radical lines of thinking, and so i cannot delete my personas online even if it were a functional option of blogging software, instead i have to piece together a life that will transform myself from pariah to individual, and hope and pray to lilith that i will overcome my fears, my pains, my anxieties, which rage through me, and come out a new person, a better man, not unlike how Jenny schecter did in her transformation on the show which i adore, she went from budding saboteur to keen light on how to dominate the spectrum of emotions necessary, whenever possible, to ebgin anew
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i will do that in my own way, and so begins the auto****************]\\\\\\\223333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333biographcial ta0ttered account of how i got to know the great goddess, i started believing when i was young, and it was my virtue of my upbringing that i never felt like i belonged any one place, not wiht the the catholics of my school days, not the christianity that my cousins practice, to this day, not the judaism and islam that as a student i was ancillarily aware of, and certainly not any femal deity stripe which is what i have come to love, what would it be like i often ask myself to have the freedom to raise three children completely in the understanding of lilith, and not ever question her, and not ever deal with fallout from fake male deities, is that not the greatest gift one could give as a parent, more than riches, and more than complete comfort, could not the abilities to decipher the female deity at work in this world be worth the risk it would be on my life to try and shoot-the-moon for the prophetess, should she not be listening to the insanity coming out of the city of GRR, the great metropolis where i have found the beautiful goddess at play, in the midst of all her disciples,
i am sure that she is real, she has just told me again, through a weird kind of overdue test that i am her boy, she wants me to fnd her daughter somehow, and possess that precious piece, and make her whole so that she can conquer the world, again, with my help, and this time permanently leaving her children to continue the work of praising the good goddess, lilith, in the wake, i am but a conduit and a goal setter for the prophetess, but i am custom built for this task, so it can be had a third time, first with eve, second at the beginning of this decade, with not just the prophetess but her allies, and this time with the prophetss and her children, so that it is passed along to a new generation for the first time ever, and so there are grandchildren of lilith for the first time ever, and so she can surmise her plan, and say to her boy-toy, who used to give her progeny in his sleep and now must save it for the daughter, good job young man, good job at taking up the challenge of accepting the prophetess as your own, and making her completely ready to talk about the challenge of her lifetime, and make her accept it her own, and together you two shall me mine forever, and pagans shall worship me because of you two, thanks,
i of course in all my pride lose control over the emoitional straing of this attemtp and just sit back and watch my little girl blow bubbles in to the wind, as her mother continues ot do the work that she wants to do, and was custom built to do, and so when i lose perspective on everything and shoot-the-moon for stars to come along with me, i am not just saying my praye rto lilith, i am saying my prayer to our children, who our parents have hoped for and we have planned for, to you sweet Norah, i give my life to, and i hope you can understand that all you have to do is never tell any lies, and i will love you forever, that is the only requirement you have to be my wife, is to fulfill your promise you wrote in lyrics, that you will never tell any lies, in my favorite song that you have ever done, and just uphold that end of the bargain talkig with me, living wiht me, and sleeping wiht me, and i will be yours knowing that you did what no one else could ever do, and that is to never lie, thats it thats all i ask for, please undderstand what i am willing to do for you, in repayment of that pledge and its fulfillment, i am willing to raise your children, and such, just so you can conquer the world, and bring the word of lilith to everyone who is willing to listen to you,
where will be in twenty years time, will i be lot among the rubble of writers who have lost their conviction, or will i be turned over into a new reality that can shake off the pain and unease of this life, and not live with in the lies, but concentrate on how to become free again, not a victim of my own endeavors despite only knowing little about what to overturn, i will move forward and look for enough of a signal of my own initiation to livelihood, for i am a man in love that much we know, it is exactly six years to the month that i first had an inkling about it, and now i know lilith is with me, it is enough to understand that this journaye is a mssiion for good for myu well being foe her welll being, for our childrens livelihood, and for others to wirneess, the coming of a new age, a new civilixation based on extreeme lving wihtin the goddess' plan, and where it will take me is direclty in contract wiht her daughter the prophetess so thsat we may raise the first free generation on this planet, to knwo that i am the one called to do the great bidding of the great godddess, so that she amy see her rpoject ciome to life, like she has always planned and even dreamed, and now she has me tro impleent in her shadow,
athletics
it will come to pass that thjis was the most authentic plan that was ever laid out and it was targeted in the right direction, in correct fashion to make it come across as genuinely plausible that in all the chances that he had to let go, and move on, none mroe accute than the next very moment, he satyed on and pursued the dream of an end goal to see what would come of it, ans see who would come alog, and test the sme tests that he had done over his entire life to get to this point, and make it this far, and see obstacles everywhere and just hope like mad that is what was intended and not preconceived notions of his own warlike posturing to get them in his way for the sake of fighting not even he could overcome such a barrier, to the plan that this was all going to be inner strength, of all the crusades that had ever come to pass, this was the one that would give him the most challenge, that there would be no other way to confront than throufh ompetors on all sides, competition like in grade school tennsi turnarments atr 14 and under, and high school match play, and college matches, all brought to this point, that only he was ready for the final confrontation, not anyoe else, ony he was ready, like today,
i will overcome this misery if it is the last thing that i do, i do want to have a life, i do now want to live a normal life if i can, i see that even people without normal lives want love, and simplicity, all the things that i was fighitng againts for so long, i am crazy and i am mad, as mentally ill patients go, i am a good one, i do nothing but plot the overhtrow of my life on terms that seem logical to me, but are in fact out of the realm of ordinary, and so i watn and need another chance i need someting like one last thing to brek for me, so i can grasp normalcy, it is all i havbe left to try and keep it toghrrhter, and then i willl in fact find simple living attainabele, just right now it seems so far away so much of my head is clouded, it hurts me to think of all the damage i have done, aroundn this town, around this internet, aroundd my life, around my familys life, trying to mold people how i think it shoudl be not how theu want to be, i feel lost, and very alone, and ohh, so damaeged, like nothing i have experienced before, it is competrehaesove, and complete in naturee, i ahve nowhere else to turn, i aheve run out of the options which i once disdained, and nwo i dont knwo what is my salvation, anyumore,
norah i am through with you, i dont love you aymore you are too much of a burden for me to take with me any longer, i have to learn to write about somethig else, if i am to survive, i hope this finds you well, please try and help yourself lilim, please try and become whole at some point in the next four months, try and single out a plan that will get you to peace, it is difficutl to live with schizoaffective disorder, as it complicates decision makgin processes, do i give in and let the obviosu emotional toll of my mistakes take over, or do i press on anad endure another day of uncertainty, and hope like hell, that it will work its way out, i have hurt a lot of poeple but oviosuly none more than myslef, because it hsa been a mental issue more than anything abot decisions and endurances, and plans gone awry, to the point that i reallly truly cannot get out of bed in the mornngi, or somteimes sthe evening withiut the thughts of total failure coming in to my head and my religiosu vocation ebing a major cause of my downward spiral, it is difficulyt to imagine how i got here and how i will get out, where i willl go nexrt and i will always now be unsurae of how to get there, after two major failurees, of perception, it is all on me, now,
i cannot imahine how i will get out of this mess, i haeve created, where i do not have any incomce, any friends, any allies, and anyoen i cna talk wiht outside of my estranged father, and my case worker, for if i went to my onlyu supporter, my mother, she would be buried in the self-doubt i would release oon her, and it would be difficult for her to go on, and so i am left to face the blues, of the empty room that once smelled so sweetky, afrter this latest episode of shooting the moon, of goig for broke with no real back-up plan, and only to find i in fact did actually need a back-up plan to come tgether with all my fluctuations in uneasement towadr the nbew beginning, a nexus of how i got here, is unclear, i rememberr fighting in 2002, i remember fighting in 2005, i remember fiighting in 2008, but i still dont have a perfectlly cleear idea of how i would get myself to this point, to cause this much havoc on my life, by ostracizing myself from workiing, from relationships, from peace, and contentment, from basic living right, and not stressing the bounds whihc once sustained me, i am living wihti a lie, that i can go on like this throughout life, i need somehting else,
i dont want to have to give up my love for lilith, she is my sustainer, my guide, my map and my relief, she helps me think through things, though sometimes those decisions dont make much sense, afterwrds, so i am left with a perpetual self-doubt about whta i should be doing, and where i should be investing mhy time and my efforts, to get through the days and weeks, and perhaps months agead, if i am so lucky to have such a plan, i dont really knwo what else to do about it, but conitnue like all epople with depression and no way out, i just have to carry forwatd and just pray or hope or expect or whatever it is i need to do, to allow me some confidence and belief thst i will find an end to this bottom, and not fall for the rst of my life, because i have nothing left, i have nothing more to give, ntohing more to fight for, just a man tying to tsalk like a woman in my dying breath, so that i am aware of the limitations of this entre, to become a new type of person again, and not let the failiures consume me, and not allow doubt and my past to convince me that i am but a failure of proportioanl levels, that i sabotaged something worthwhile, for something magical, and lost, and will lose perpetually, if not careful,
wear on the sleeve
i woud like to think that the pain can go away, that it can evaporate liek as quickly as it reared its head this time around to come back in to the picture sometime aroun November 20the or so, somethig like the time it took me to start realizing there was a fight and since i am the ultimate fighter, it must involve me, so lets get to it, lets find out where entrapmment will take me this time, so that i am a prisoner of my own doing once again, i do it in like 3 year intervals, so it seems, and then i do it wiht people who are baitng me in to a fihgt, and it causes me to crush all the good relationships in my life, to the opoint where i have nothing left to give, exdept to be reclsuive and live a life of solitude to the point where there is not a way out, as i am in the cave of my creation, something like a fighter in the hills believeing the revolution is real when all it is is a trap to get me to fight, since i want to let go, i am dying to let go, i cannot seem to let go, wihtout some idea of what to do beyond a marriage proposal, a date, and a ring, i have ntohging ekse to offer this world, and yet i must continue, to look forward and hope for something new and fresh, and a cause worth myslef, and my time,
the revolutoins is personal, the revolutoin is internal is what they tell me, and then why am i fighting an external war wiht myself, why do i feel the need to fight at all, when i knwo who i am and i knwo what the poblems are, and what i need to do to solve them, why would i fight an external threat whne it is internal, that all my demons and demonesses are located, how will i overcome the stigma of insanity to release myself into a new spectre of reality so that i can be confident that i am not trying to alwys wage revoliutoin whether or not i wear it on my sleeve,
who came up with the idea of revolution in the first place, why is it needed, is not the world we live in made by all of us, to become whole with ourselves, and nor look to bigger problems to solve for the sake of biggness, i dont knwo how else to look at this spectrum of ideas than to say, why?, is it not my fault that i am in this position to begin with and is it not myself who has the most to lose, by fighitg sometjig that i canot let go of, what else am i supposed to do other than just submit, just relent, and give up, and stop the war of mids that only seems to hurt me, what else ca be done?,
i ook on the horizon and all i see are unanswered questions to my life, my thoughts deceive me, they place me in contention with a shadow that does not even know whether or not i esxit, so that it seems like i am only relevant to myself and not to anyooene else to barter with on life's travails, why did i fight so mcuh, why do i keep fighting, why cant i just give up, and let her go, away from me, to antoher boy who has frankyl a real plan for her, not some made-up tryst about lesbias and goddesses, and the like, maybe that reality will be all i need to move on, perhaps,
i wish i had something to live for right about now, it is difficult to seemlingly go through the motions of life, with no real purpose, or real energy, i dont even feel like typing anymore, no more blogging, no more creative enegry, nothing left to do but sit arond and wait for something to happen to me, i am lost and cant get going as there is nothing to go to, i might even fall off the radar of my own intenions sometome in the enar future, because i have nothing left todo but sit and think, and even that is beyond tedious for me to contemplate doing perhaps i will find some will to live, perhaps i will fight more for my own good, and less against myself, and hope that i can become a better participant in my own life, something that i have not done in 7 years,
perhaps the girl will take me back, after so many pain points, why would she, but if possible, i would be lucky to have her, she is strong, and gives me courage, somethig which i always need to keep goign, along the tar-straddled road of life, where i have no answers, no exits are available i have used them all up, and now i have to engage with myself at the crossroads of my fears and make a decision that seemed so impossible a month ago, to choose one woman over a mirage, and imagine what it would be like to settle in to a life, that i hope i can have, that is ever so fleeting before my eyes, so that i can live free, and not with encumbrances, that make me forget who i am, and what i want to be, a father, a good husband, or just a man, unlike any thing that i have attempted so far,
groceries
i have to remember that no matter what i feel that i will be on medication, just to prevent the excuse of falling apart even coming up again, so that i am prevented from being a cast away and i cna take care of myself, in a way that envisions a future with myself and someone i may love, who may love me, that is all i can do, it is the only hope that i have, to become whole again, to stay on track, and to do the things that could ultimately lead to happiness and not pain, that is the only way forward i can think of that will work, that is all i can do to hope to bring myself comfort, to stay on medication, and stay on track,
again, i am faced wiht the prospect that i am not crazy aftre54 all5, that i simply see the4 7777777777775++++++++9world differently than everyone else, and that in order to create, i have to be shooting-the-moon, i have no idea what i am oging to write in the next few days, but it seems clear that it will have to be with all my heart in it, all my plans, all my intentions, to be a writer, i have to go for broke, and hope like hell, and pray to the goddess that something comes out of it, if not i will be left in ruins, i have to pray to her, that i can be a writer, and begin anew, somehitng which seems so daunting, just to have happen, one last time:
the goddess and spirituality
from a long forgotten persoectve, the great Lilith came back, and made her presence knwon among her people that she was indeed alive and was worth livig for, by all accounts she was the inception of the divine we had all counted on, and she was the perfection we all believed in, from the start, everyone has a different way for expressing her, but mine was real mine was actual, mine was her in all its glory, from all its perspectives, solemn and basic and all so real, she was lving flesh in the form of the divine, a goddess living among us all, and her name was Rachel Shelley, she was teamed up with the actual real life satannic figure herself, Mia Kirshner, Mia's counter-part on evilish things, Kate Moenning, the companion of Lilith, Rachel Shelley's side-kick, Camila Grey, who was the 2nd coming of Eve, and the final outposts of the strength of this union Norah Jones and Erin Daniels, on the good and evilish sides respectivley, but this was not a classic good v. evil refrain, for the two sides worked together to bring about the long forgotten promise of the matriarchy to the fore, and with it a union of Shelley and Kirshner made perfective sense for all the world to see, the power of women coming together, to dream,
who were these women, who not long ago were just mere actors on a stage, and now were controlling elements in the stage of life, to bring about a new reality for so many to see, that at last it would become loosely collaborated for them to work together as one coheivse unti, the six most powerful women on the planet, in my estimation, and now their power woudl be manifest, in the crusade of a lifetime, t bring the kingdom of the goddess in to view, and make it omni-present in the ashes of the patriarchy's ways for this was to be a union of talents, unlike anything anyone had ever seen, and unlike any would no doubt experience from this day forth, it would make all who witnessed it, unleash their emotiions in support of the team of women who announced their intenions individually, and nwo were implementing toghether, for the skae of the project to move forward, this would be a day that lilith had made, irght, for all to move to htier left and become disciples of the true religion, as manifest through these women, and so it would be a test of will to come across as seeming sane, when the goddess is an actress, and living amongst us, but that was how it would be dealt with,
what is the religion of the goddess, or better yet what is the practice of the goddess, in her human element, will she be understood, or understaable for anyoen to come to see, will she be intrically involved in the affaris of mankind, or will it be strictly womankind that she adheres to, what will be the outcome of her time here on the planet, will it be a source of inspiration immediately for all to see, and then make their own decisions, or woudl it be more like what we have seen to date, with some willful expressions of clarity, and then a burgeonging perpsecitve, on what is like to live within the freedom of expression, that they have all grown to understand, then where would it take place, and what plans would have to be laid, in order for it come to fruition in the first place, and how would this architecture of a dream becme all present, so that it would be worthy of a goal of nameske of the great goddess, Lilith, and all her creation to date, why would she choose now to come in to view, why would she become a breathing participant if it were not to re-start the Garden, of lore of hisotical reference, whihc we had all assumed to be a tale, but her presence makes it real, and where would it come from,
where would it take place, of course, is a logical question with reference to the deity on the planet, and so it was assumed to be in its inception town of GRR, and spread across a vast array of contingencies, with respect to the ultimate nature of the course of evenets, to be considerd viable from all who participated vantage points, and so it was begun, in the town of the scribe of these events, lilim hagen, who had a natural viewpoint in to its close proximity to a dualing and duelig project, the GRR L Word, for all to understand the nature of the cohabitation of these seemingly spearable efforts, to provide a litmus test for how things would be equal and unfold, without interruption so that all who partiicpated in either project would know that this is the ultimate dream of the players, to stake out a complimentary existence, for the seemingly unavoidable construct of purpose, to make new contacts among the real-life inhabitants of the L word project, and the L word artistic expression, so that all who came after would know that the models for life interface, and become one unified theme, as they are one unified equidistant, point of view, for the world to behold,
when the pain comes it comes in full force, and it comes in waves that are difficult to manage, but you carry on, with all reservations pushed aside, that you just hope like hell that it abates at some point, and then it does begin to release its grip until you are able to breath again, and look for new movement in all that you do, and wonder what will eb the next go aroudn of the pain, and hten you wonder less abuot it, as it begins to take on a surreal element to your life, until all you knwo is your wife, the woman of your darkst desires and deepest dreams, si with yuo again, and her name is Norah, the girl you have sought after for so long, it is now inevitble that something equal to your whole life will pass onward in front of your face, at some poitn only to be undrstood and comprehended in one short instance of faith, you reach the point of no return lengthening your own process of contention, and making the project stand on it own, so that the women you write about are now a part of your lexicon, so you have no relief except to write abot them, and plan for everything to somehow work its way out in the end,
a. characxter update
b. plot update
c. goddess update
d. GRR L Word relevance
e. scribe's update
divine experiences
no one said it was supposed to be easy, and that following the goddess would be straightforward, but when she comes to teach you in the flesh, you must stand-up and listen, so that nothing can come between you and her, and so you march on, and see what its like on the other side of reality, where only a few have dallianced before in the grass of contentment so extrreeme and so plausible that it is your own salvataion to know it is your only option to intervene in the process and make it a reality to work with these women on a project so large and contentious, that it boggles the senses of possibility to attempt, to save your world from a grievous crime of patriarchy or lest it be worse, you carry on with the mission to bring about a seismic challenege to everythig that you have known to date, and hope that it gets through you what you intend to make of it, the ordinary in to the sublime, the subliminal into the context, the teh contextual in to the brilliant, and the brilliance in to the goddess, all over again, she is what we long to bring home, throgh the analysis of characters who know no bounds and now have the ulitateme vehicle by which to share their experiences of the divine,
i have lost all contract of time and space and reason, but it feels good to work at it, and try and type anyway, to see what will come out next, like before with the infiniti loops of content on a piece of paper, to decipher certain things and all the time i dont know what i am looking for, i just press on, and hope that it will come across at some point in the logic, in the train of thought that i am not totally lost, but actually have some shot at normalcy somewhere down the line, wherever that may be, i dont know, but i will continue on to see if i may find it, if only i had a way to transcribe my thoughts of total goddess domination in to a worthwhile track, then i would be content with the direction of my life, or at least would know that it is heading somewhere that i can decipher is worthwhile, or transcendent, for it is the limbo that kills, that permeates my every being so that i cannot take the pressure of not doing the right thing, and now i think i understand what i could do, and what i will do to relieve the strain, i think i will force myself in to a different relationship to try and make sense of my life, and make the most of what i have,
it is mindbogglig intense to look around to see where the goddess has taken you, and to see that it is true that all you have worked for is a mirage, is an illusion, set up to destroy you, and if you do not exit from the madness at some point, it will consume you, and make you wish for something to remove the pain, along with the pride that has kept you from yourself, and all that you hoped to discover, along the way, you wish for more than what you come to terms with, and yet that it still does not seem enough, makes the pain grow ever stronger, and so you keep yourself going by making small tracks in the steps that you take until it cools the senses, to know, just to know you are free, unless there is something that somehow holds you back from the depths, you can becmoe clued in to your own freedom, and make a fracture of a timeperiod analysis that things are as they could be and you are working overtime to cling to the segment of yourself, that has you in the bastion of safety that you knew existed, but couldn't quite put your finger on it, and it happens that until you let go, and find somehting else, you will not have any thing left to love or to need in life, or beyond,
is everything lost, i ask myself at least 5 times per day, is everytihg gone, to the point that there is no justification in even ordering the book, which i spent all winter cultivating, was it all just an exercise in purging, in making myself come to terms with the last four months of sacrifice, and relief, and joy, and some ecstasy even, that all that was a lie/>/?, how could it be, could it be nothing more than the inner working of a brain gone awry for the time being, that without a challenge, it is not perhaps even worth mentioning how it happened, but as a participant in this affair of proportions i could not calculate mainly because it did not exist, nor will it exist, in any space or time continuum, that relies on the present mode of happening going on, without a realistic post-modernism that actually changes something, anything, or moves something of consequence to an inspired point that continues to have realistic impact, on whatever it is that i am trying to do, she is everywhere and yet the plan remains nowehre, it is not functioning, it is not moving forward it is not a point of view that can be replicated again, it is static or it is dead, one of the two, and i cant come to grips with either one,
i the final treatment of the brain's innate attempts to please the mind or vice-versa, either you go through the looking glass or you do nothing, you either take the red pill, or you take the blue pill or vice-versa, which ever you do the consequences appear to be the same, stasis or blandness6, that is where the scribe finds themself in the inner workings of depths of despair, surrounding the quest to find out whether the goddess, exxists, or not, whetehr she is omni-present, or just another attempt at avnity, to wash away the doldrums knowking that dressing up the illusion is better than forgetting the quest, so it seems to be a major contextual argument for piece of mind, so that you can get past the pain, and see through to the other side, and happen to eget something in return, for better it will be off to have tried, and to have failed, than never to have tried, and so i have chnged my mind, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all, because you know the pain is acute, in losing, but it is worse, different in a main context for never to have loved, would be the ultimate sacrifice that knows no boundaries, and therefore has no floor, whihc is where i am at, never to have loved, at all,
crossing over
it is difficult to imagine anything so sublime as a unified front of women against the patriarchy, to set i motion a transformation that is long overdue, and so it goes with a beginning and that which seems to have no end, a partial break from the past to move forward and move away from the oasis that says there must be only one kiid of way of workig or living so that there is a marginal amount of good working coming from the divine spirit of lilith, she has come across the whole porject as worthy of her aims to transform everythnig according to her ways, and make it continue on with her in mind, as we enter the next phase of development in implemnetation so that it can become like everythign we have always known it to be, and everythign after this will ebcome a wholehearted matter of perspectivre, so that we are left with nothing but good vibes, to remembr what is prologue from our past, and maintaain that everythging shold be contianed wihtin a parameter of purpose, to envelope the whole and to separate it from parts to become unigifed, in its goal to break free and move past all encumbrances, in the way,
there is nothing in the way of projected output that would leave you to believe that this is doable, that there is another way out, for there is nto some menacing coalition of emotions right around the corner that leaves you breathless, and without a hope that things are going to get any better than projected, it is all there is and there is not another source of meaning to go around it, it just becomes all encompassing, like there is nothing left to rely on, enough has been expended on all other efforts, in sum it is all there is, what would it be like if the goddess were to live amongst us kind of like that Paula Cole song that passed around the religios circuit as some sort of blasphemy in the 90's because she asked the ultimate question, of what if god were one of us?, and the answer would be revealing in its differnet implementations, for there would be no doubt an endless supply of critique over the god's ways of acting, someone, most liekly many if not most people with an opinion would surmise that it was in effectvie and not worthy of a divine presence, even if the claims were to be that in fact it was this god, in the flesh, so what if it were a goddess,
the ante would be riased even further as it would be supplicant on the part of the vast majority of men, and a lot of believing women that it was a farce, for to believe in this day and age is to believe in a male deity in all the glory ebstowed upong him, for it would be like a true conversion process in order to simply fall into line over what it means to believe, by way of the goddess, so she would have to eb forthright and effective in order to maintain the presence of the divine, around her, and she would most likely need a platform by which to explain her ideals, and have allies that she could count on from all walks of life, especially the outcast, or even the downtrodden, how would they respond to a goddess that did not solve all of their problems in one move, one fell swoop, to change the dynamics of the way of life, to make it better for all of us who feel marginalized, and outside the parameters of this world, woudl want this goddess to come back and rectify all things and make them her own, but as we have learned from jesus, that is not necessarily the most effective means of taking control over vast swaths of the planet, by argument rather than power, by exmple rather than force,
by virtue of havig such a position, it would be most effective to have allies who did her bidding for her, and marked the territory of her accomplishment, by taking over iin her name, the regions at play, such as with the lesbian community, the musical communities around them, the artistic communities, the not-for-profit communities, the online communities, and making adjustments in order to make an effective pitch to all the constituencies that are avaialbel to work within the system of balance for the sake of community building and in order to seek refuge among their kind, the allies would be forthright in their intention to build a further system if warranted along the way, for this is the way forward for all of them to participate, in order to thank their goddess, for givig them the opporrtunity to bring some semblance of reason to their endeavor, for if she is real, then there is confidence in what can be seen as a guardian of the process, in order for the right sort of outcome to come about, and to build with it a sight unseen before right in front of their eyes, to endeavor to broker a new confidence for their allies to become more numerous, and expand,
the main part of the objective was finalized wiht the scribe to test and rotate the basic premise of the callling which was to bring about the goddess true intention to multiply for it was only through number that she could be found, and so it was a bridge to possibility for the sake of expansion that the scribe felt compelled to orchestrate a new path for all to follow, for them to see it was their only way forward, for it was the only path now understood to be outcome free of bereft determination, that there would be more complicated tunes to know, and this was the one made possible by all the counter-fit aspects of the process, for it was only through broadened skill, that was conceivable, for this was made clear by all who came in to void, we are all here to lather, in the context of positive movement, what we know to be true and we know to be possible, all the standard sets of deviations for this to be understood to come in to clear view, for the basic outline of the new force, in order to see things as they are not as they were, we were leading for a new beginning that began right about now,
at a loss
nothing seems to be makign much sense, and nothing seems worth doing, at the moment, as i embark on a slide backwards this evening, i realize i have run out of options, i just got to try and make it worthwhile, before i get started, i need a new one, a new spark, a new something, a new finding, a new marker, a new market, perhaps, i need to make an album,
sandbox
coming through the clouds, and reaching a new point of view is still in progress, but trying to put behind my space of disillusionment and make a move toward a new beginning through Her, is all i know what to do, and make some effort to put all the negative demons behind me, and try and make it work, i just need a break, of something to go with me, i can leave the lezzie talk, and make my initiative for something that works, i could do a lot of things that make me think that a corner is coming, but it will take some time, it will take some belief and more than that it will have to come from within to make me think that i have moved on, and not trapped in a circle with no way out, i dont know how to make it work, but it can happen, get on wiht everuthig, and hope like hell that i can mend some battles that i created for no good reason, and just try and move in the direction of restitution, so that i dont fall into a trap again, and make myself susceptible to an incomplete reality for this is the thing that i want so badly, that i think it can be done, it can be moved in a way to allow me to live again, it just requires some sort of ability to map out a space of a future that i can live with,
i wish i had something it meant something, it was fun when it did, it was a bit self-destructive, but it helped ease the pain even while it was creating new loneliness, it was something else altogether different for some timcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc, could it be conceivable that i am stuck on writing for some time, i dont have anything to say, all software, hiphop, basketball, business, and my life all used up, it has been all formulated so there is nothing left to go wtih, nothing left to say, and thta is a otugh feeling to realize, i cant seem to write my way out of the funk, and it seems to be a necessary condition to get going again
nothing to say, nothing to say, notjhing to say, nothing to say, nothing t say, nothing mroe to say, noting it all, nothing more ot sya, nothing else to say, nothing at all to say, is this the end is this is the end, is this the ens, is thig the ned, is this the end, is this the end, is this the end, nothing to sya, nothing to say,
urban porn groove
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0za
in the end it was night that consume him the most, it was her presence that he most obliged for to be a priority of mind, wherever he could go, he would stay, and that became one in itself
i have an opportunity to right a wrong, of massive proportions, and try and make my life have meaning again, though it will be a very distracting endeavor irrespective of the outcome, it will make it much more palatable to go forward, i wish i had a massive undertaking to keep me occupied, i wish i could have a life worth living again, i am suspect of my abilities i am suspect of my decisions, i do not know how to make music, i do not know what to write about any longer, i am simply going through the motions, and hoping like hell that something comes out of it, that something of providence will show its face to me, once again,
i am longing for the feeling of satisfaction i only get when i think of the life i once had, i wish like anything i could get back to the life i was building on November 1, 2008, that was a grand day in my life, i knew how to move forward, i knew what love was looking like, i had an ally that i am trying to re-court and i did not have to live with the consequences of fighting demons, and instead i had only hidden pain, but that was before i excised my pain, i removed all the doubt from my life, and i began to live without the back-up plan, in some small measure a freer man, a boy with some capacity to understand what was best for me,
now, i know what it will take without falling in to a trap again, of my own doing, i will understand how not to fight, how to just live and know what i am doing is legitimate, and not come across as some crazy fool, i know self-loathing will do me no good, but i feel helpless and sometimes hopeless, but i will go on, and hope to have another opportunity for love, for laughter, for life, something i have not had in all of 2009, and knowing the trajectory i am on, perhaps will not know for some time, if it does not come today, i miss my life that i was unhappy with, i miss the purpose, the self-perpetuation of a myth of dominance,
but its not too late for love, its not too late for laughter, its not too late for life to burst free again....
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