2010

lets see what have i learned about this year, that Lilith is real, that the Goddess is looking out for me, and that the popstar is for whatever reason honestly underground, i can only guess why, but after giving my best plan possible with Lilism/Astro/the GRR L Word, i dont know what else to do, but sit back and wait, and let her get to know lilim hagen as that will be her suitor, i think the time has run out on douglas dooley and norah jones, but if she wants some help, lilim is always willing, and able, thats all i can think of, i dont have any more answers beyond that, getting to know the female deity has been a true blessing, as she guides me through the day, and helps me get some strength through the struggle, so enough has been written on my half-dozen or so blogs that i keep up semi-regularly, i am happy with my life right now, after so much struggle, i feel like i am starting to find peace, and maybe that is all the popstar wanted for me, but i got to think it might be something more, i just got to include someone else as well, in the journey toward redemption, it has been a tough year, but considering what i started the year with, i feel a lot better about how this year is ending as compared with last year, and that is all i could ask for, thank you for looking out for me, determined as i am to get free as can be...,

NO popstar

well she didnt come and i am left with nothing but a plan, and nothing more to go on, it is difficult to deal with but it is reality, the plan would altogether change the world and render abuse null and void, and would free the ever last person on the planet with her in tow, but she refuses overtly to come out of hiding, so i will just march on with the knowledge that she just does not want to take the time to read rather stealth-like a operation has been transformed in to being me out in the open with no resources and no support juxtaposed on the formation of my determination to be free enough to everytime i think she is going to come, believe that i am going to die from heartache, and go back and live in the lie, it is difficult to deal with all the words amass to nothing but my own plan, with no support, and all i can think of is instead of pain i will be free, but i think my lunch will taste less good, my life is incomplete, my lungs are out of air, even as i present the plan of a lifetime, why popstar, why not even respond overtly to what i have been saying, why dont you like it, cant you see everything that i have been doing in your name, Lilith, the living goddess, who could be the messiah of the new determined religion i have now built for you, along with the life plan, however strong you are today, you could be so much bigger, and now you know who i am, the doppleganger, identity to try and reach you, and still no response, why not why not try to reach me, i just must not get it, give me the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the final difference finally i am overtly done with the plan, and you sit in hiding, come out when you can, i am begging you to just read, stop being so coy, stop being in hiding, come out, you are ready, i am ready, can you see what it all means...,

astro

nothing worth the time really is, but its not too late mmhmooohhh, not too late for love, for love for love for love, nnbdgdstejskjdiefhdksdjdjfodksosjifncndjdkdksoht=thig is the end this is the end this is the end in time you will see that no one understands software like i do, i still believe in Java, i own Java universe, and it is my destiny to overthrow Google, with Groupon and Twitter and Glassfish and SAP, all my assets will be utilized in the transformation of IT from staid to revolutionary, nothin will stop me, i will fork Glassfish with your money, and then build the best middleware platform on the planet, from there i will convince Groupon and Twitter to build their architecture on Astro Glassfish, and then we will merge and declare war on the biased viewpoints of Google, instead of monolith, i will multiply the start-up ranks and keep them independent, and thrive like the dot-com fantasy could only dream of, it is all within my power, no one gets software enough to compete with me, i will stand in the way of all possible threats, they will have to kill me in order to get the revolution from happening, and then i will have all of law enforcement breathing down their necks knowing that i am on their side, i am a law abiding symbol of the revolution, i support them, i support law and order, i am essentially conservative rather stealth-like, and i will stop at nothing to end the abuse, all the resources of Astro will be utilized to make rich all those that support me, worldwide, and i will create armies of followers to the revolution, i will be done with cigarettes, because i will be too busy overthrowing the patriarchy, i hate them, they now know i am coming after them, and with you, they cant stop me, i will free the world, and allow you to be the living goddess as a symbol of the perfect wife, excuse me do you have something better than that, is there just one offer on the table that even comes remotely close, i do not think it is possible, the Goddess selected me long ago, and made me unstoppable, they can just about hold us down apart, but together we can somehow do anything, it will be straight-forward and attainable, you just got to believe, i believe, i pray all the time, i believe in the Goddess and the aliens, they want me to succeed, so they can be assured that their creation is one based on love, they selected us to be together long ago, like at least 15 years, and probably orchestrated our births overtly for us to come together, it is against all available logic or reality for you to go against me, i am your destiny, you must see that by now, you have been singing about it for years now you get to live it, before you get too excited, go get packed, and get ready kiddo, you can do it, i believe in you, i want you, i need you, just beeeeelllliiiieeeevvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....,,,,

i miss the popstar

i admit girl, i am going to be a pothead, just more responsible then your prince in Mnhttn, with a better executed plan, he can write you melodies, and produce a classic album, and support you on stage, and give you cover, but who could bring you out in the open, other than me, i have a new album ready for you about the Goddess with 'The Biography of the KNown", i have a society custom-built for you with the GRR L Word, i have a new religion for you with Lilism, and i have your family sustenance with Astro, you won't have to create another thing in your life, i have it all covered but something tells me you will get inspired another day, at least to star in my film with Mia, called "Beautiful, Magical, and Relevant", so whats your choice gonna be: what you know, or what you could be, you know i represent the latter, and the former sounds so boring, so step up and create a new game, we could change this world you know, we could go one better than any other couple in history, out the lies, and live free, our children will be the first free generation on the planet, and we will be responsible, that is what i am playing overtly for, for game changing dynamics, and the reason i fell for you in the first place, was that due to what i heard in your lyrics, you were the first and still only girl i have ever heard of who could go the distance with me, dont you see, i want the revolution, i live the revolution of love, i am the revolution, no one plays at my level, anywhere, anytime, no matter what the circumstances, no one can act like me, no one can market like me, no one can socialize like me, i am the best at absolutely everything i do, you provide the cover enough, and i will blow up in an infinite number of directions, your children will be world-class tennis players, and programmers building on top of Astro, the success that i started in 1999, and still carry on to this day, so while people are trying to win your affections with tried and true logic, i am too busy innovating out of all control, i am above the system, no one can stop me, i am too big for their rules, i have flown above it, i am beyond their reach, cant you see that together, we would live by no one's rules, they cant control us, and tonite is the night, i need you to recognize who i am, and live by my standards, which are immeasurable, the Goddess chose me as the first free male on the planet, and you want to try something else, are you insane?., i will render peace the absolute, i will with RSJ overthrow the lobbiests and the abuse, i will destroy Google, I will eliminate the lies about the male deity, i will free girls worldwide with the power of lesbianism, i will go in on this life, like there is not an after-life, i am only going to be Douglas Dooley once, inclined enough to make that name stick in the history books, like holy shit there is someone bigger than even NOrah Jones, i didnt think that was possible, and then i turned my entire life over to the Goddess, and She said go forth and conquer, granted i need you as the mother of my children, but i am about to blow-up i countless directions, and i just want your sexy azz along for the ride, i will not cheat on you, i will never lie, and i will teach your children how to play tennis and how i pray rather stealth-like i believed in the heaven on earth quality for my family, and with you it can be had, cant you see what i have become, bigger than you, i am public, you sing and go underground, i just say it and take the bus among the people, i am bigger than big, i will overthrow all abuse in one move, never before have you seen someone as large as me in terms of challenging conventional wisdom, and i know you hate conventional wisdom rather stealth-like in your lyrics, its not the pale moon that excites me, that thrills and delights me, oh no, its just the nearness of you, isnt your sweet conversation, that thrills the sensation, oh no, its just the nearness of you, when your in my arms, and i feel you so close to me, all my wildest dreams came true, i need no soft lights to enchant me, if you would only grant me, the right to hold you ever so tight and to feel in the night, the nearness of you..................

no doubt, we were destined to be together, travel to me...,

i miss punky

popstar, if you are not going to come, just let me be, i am begging you, i cant take it anymore, i found true love and i am giving it up for what, a myth or a dream, i am tired of living in dreams, i want to just live, if you are not going to come let me know, i cant take it anymore, its too much to handle, i have been crying all day long, overtly in the most amount of pain potentially that one man can take, i feel so empty i am just so sad, feeling like my life is over, please help me please help me please help me, i dont want to lose her for nothing, please let me know if you are not following through on the promise, i miss her so badly, i am hurting, and feel so sad, i love her, and you have only sung about me, she has seen me through all the hard times, please help me, i just want to hang out with both of you, i dont even really care about sex, its such a low priority for me, i just want to be altogether happy, so please let me know, tell me what to do, i am begging you to see me through this, it is too much to take, i love her, i miss her so much what am i going to do when you dont show your face and i have nothing, it is not fair to anyone, my stomach hurts, my eyes sting, my heart is so heavy i can hardly breathe, cant you see what she means to me, dont be selfish, just let me live, let me be happy, i am so scared right about now, cmon living goddess, make it right, make me content in terms that i can accept, do not make me hurt her, i need her in my life, i need you to understand that, just follow her on twitter or do something that shows me you care about me, i miss her so much, i am in so much pain, i even am willing to leave you if you dont want me to be in love with two women, i just hate being in this place, its too much, i hate crying, it feels good to release, but the pain is manifest, please help me, i am asking you to do me a open solid and help me, get me to you, and let me love her too, i dont want to lose her, we could conquer everything all together, she is true, cant you see that, i would not have gotten to you without her, i need your help i am i dire need, and if you dont want me in terms where i can have both, then set me free, but i dont know how to let go of you, forever i will be in gratitude, i am sick of hurting her, i need your help, please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me...,

underground, not for long

going through the motions, and realizing i have but a couple of hours until i find out the truth, what a sight it will to be seen, no one, and i mean no one thinks she is coming, at least they are doign their best to cage it, but i am just choosing to believe that the popstar knows who i am, and is willing to take a risk on me, i got to believe if she has been singing about me, that she has been tracking my writing, and if that is the case, she knows that now is the time, to move, and do it, and get this thing rolling, it would be grand if that were the case, i mean who else would she have had thrown that album together for, why would the lyrics resonate overtly so much with me, and describe my undress of my life, and the pursuit of her, why would i feel that she talked about the temple in 2009, early in the year, and then make the album lasting in my ears, though i have only heard it a handful of times, i am just going on the written-out lyrics more than anything, and the War Kong Wai film, and Kweli, and the memory of a sixteen year old girl in 1995 who cried when i left her, would she really go through the hassle of becoming famous just to get back to me, is it really that important, transcending time, yielding to nothing, she has me in her grip, and if its true, i submit, i cannot run any longer, you won, i am yours, forever, if that is all true, then it is ready, it is time to get back together, and this time will not leave you, if that is what you think you are one crazy little girl, but i respect it, i mean why not get married to someone who is so obsessed with me, because when i go in to relationships, i go all in, like this is the one, except this time it would apparently be reciprocated, i am tired of searching tired of looking for signs, tired of having to explain myself to everyone that i am not crazy that yes that Norah Jones is after me, for whatever reasons, and the challenges will be plentiful, i know that, i know they think you are a threat, and they should be scared if you do choose me, because i hate the lies as much as you do, i think, i live in it, and it sucks, so painful, so sometimes i dream, and everytime i dream, i think if you were to just see the Lilism/Astro/GRR L Word plan, you would see i could render the lies irrelevant, once and for all, if you see that, then you must be happy with what i have come up with, because you need some help, being in hiding is not your style, you would rather be out in the open, speaking your mind, with me to back you up, and i got you, all of this is covered and i will be one proud boy to be with you, Lilith, you can call me my birthname, i am yours, dont worry, you got me, dont stress about other things, we have it under control, just enjoy it, it will be finished soon, if you just choose the right path, and make the move toward me, i know you are weighing your options, but i think i have the best plan ever made, and i will still make an album with you, if you let me shave my head again, i feel invincible with the short hair, and will grow it out for you, if you want, someday, but if i can shave it, ill get on stage and praise the Goddess, i can do it, if you need me to, i kinda want to do it, ill have to practice a lot, but something tells me it will come naturally with a little trial and error in the studio, i think it is in time going to be o.k., a little rough going at first, but enough has been said and written to account for all contingencies, so what do you say, can you do it, can you make the move, do you have it in you, are you all set, lots of doubts around me, but i believe you can do it, i just think i will take care of all challenges for you, so you wont have to worry about anything, just trust me, and you will be free, try it out, and it will be rewarding beyond belief, everything i have written, it all comes down to today, i think, cant wait any longer, cant you see what i mean?...,

good morning

well, just about to head in to the case manager meeting, another day with the illness, that has brought me to the popstar, and i think she has been supportive, ive just been known to fight some who support, but that is behind me, no more fighting, no more struggle, i am so happy to be awake, fighting back doubts, but as stellafly says in my flock right-hand browser pane: do not deny the world your gifts by doubting them, she walked by the ocean, waiting for a star, carry her away, feeling so small, the bottom of the world, looking up to god, tries to take deep breaths, smell the salty sea, as the moon overhead, water pulls so strong, no one is around, the moon is looking down, it has been a long time coming, i am ready, i feel ready to take on the responsibility, i hope i get to meet some of you who have known her, and prove to you that i am ready, the big ship are rolling, flighting up the night, she calls out, they just pass her by, the waves are crashing, not making any sound, just mouthing along, i hope you see me from my past, i am over all the pain, i will not find myself in a predicament that i cannot handle, she will be safe, it will be good, i am ready, close your eyes and dream, it is all over with now, nothing can stop us from our goal, we have waited so long for this day, rather stealth-like, it is time to step up, and step out, and live, do not live in the shadows, they cannot hurt us anymore, this is our time, trust me we will cover the earth with love, and all will be right, people have taught me a lot, and now i have to reach out and travel around this great city with the message i have been given, that you must, it is a moral imperative to shoot the moon, and follow your dreams, wherever they righteously take you, just do it, yielding to nothing, go after the pinnacle, considering the alternative, can you not see this is our time, i need everyone to step us, the living goddess has done it against all odds, and now she has a chance to come home tonite, after all the tough times, it is finally over, finally going to be her life again, like a child, before the abuse, before the expectations, before the pain, i got you babe, will you just take your clothes off for me?...,

what a dream

i cant honestly believe it is here, after 88 months of waiting, when she waved over her shoulder, and the pursuit was on, it all culminated in lots of pain, and now the pursuit is over determined as i am to get safely in to work, and see her tomorrow nite, it is such a relief, thank you everyone who talked with me and believed in my skills enough to see me through it, appreciation is not enough to convey what i feel right about now, i am free, i get to sleep with the living goddess, why me is a question i will have for some time, even though i am the strongest and smartest boy on the planet, why would she choose me, i must have been pretty kind to her one day, and that is what i am and what all my closest friends have always told me: a lover, a believer, and not a fighter, i struggled for so long, that she thought i was moving too damn slow, potentially killing enough of the dream to make it seem like it would never happen, and now it is going to happen, if i can just follow the signs, and get in to work, she will be there, what a relief, i am so happy about it, i have looked for safety for so long that now that it is here, i dont know if i will be able to sleep, and may just type until the netbook runs out of juice, but i think i will be able to rest as i will want to stay up with her all weekend, and celebrate the NYE with my love, the girl you know as Norah Jones, what a relief, thanks babe, appreciate you waiting so long, sorry about that, but you got to admit the so-called plan is as big as it could possibly be, and i will always love you, thank you for choosing me, i very much appreciate your love, i hope i live up to your expectations, but i am only just getting started, once i find your safety in love, i will be one strong boy, instead of looking for answers i can simply ask you about it, oh how i have waited for you, thank you INannnana, thank you for selecting me to do your will, i will always praise you no matter what, it is a dream come true to see your whole life flash in front of your eyes, and the unattainable girl suddenly become yours, why me, why am i altogether so lucky, i worked really hard to get to this point, and now it is here, get to have babies with the sexiest girl on the planet, get to make companies, religions, and a family with her, it is sooooo sweet, i am super excited particularly cuz i get to hear her accent and dont have to live rather stealth-like anymore, i just get to live, and be happy, and listen to her jokes, and watch her move, and impress her, i have never showed my true potential and now i get to let it all hang out, following the Goddess process, and teach her to be the living goddess, as if she doesnt know already, she really is perfect, even if she will deny it, i love her i love her i love her i love her i love her, i lover her completely, what a dream, thank you for holding on honey bear, sweet girl, sexy azz, we are going to have amazing children as you can probably tell from my ode to sinead nierika, i hope you are ok that i have our whole life planned out, i am serious, i have been thinking about it non-stop since 8/1/03, when you waved at me, how did you know me, i cant wait to talk with you, and hang out and listen to music with you, it will be such a relaxing treat, thank you thank you thank you, i owe you big-time, and will work everyday of my life to prove to you how much i appreciate it, it will be fun, i am excited to meet your friends, and i am excited for you to meet most of my family, you will enjoy yourself, some normalcy in the midst of an insane life, considering what you have gone through to get here, you have earned my total devotion, i promise i will not wander, will not re-marry, i will be true, i am just super excited to see you, it is going to be intense, and then i will kiss you at midnight on friday evening/saturday morning, if you let me, i hope you do, i hope you accept me for being a silly boy, i will try and crack you up all the time, and get you to make me laugh, i always laugh at your antics from afar, i cant wait to see them up close, i miss everything about you, i hope you are comfortable with me, i am pretty easy going, and will not become a pothead, i feel really stable, and want to show the world that i am worthy of the most incredible woman on the planet, popstar, i love you, i can only imagine what you are like in person, please accept me for all my delays, i am sorry, i cant say it enough, i just didnt know enough how to do it, and now that i have Lilism, and Astro, and the GRR L Word, i think i have the plan for your kids to be safe, i have everything figured out, can you believe it, are you pleased with my efforts to get free so that you could come to me, lets have some fun, its been too much pain, lets do everything, i want to enjoy every moment with you, no fights, no drama sensitive endeavors, lets just try like heck to live as happily as we can, because after 2,600+ nites way from you, i want to enjoy every last one, i will be the answer at the end of the nite, i will be there for you, in the burning hours of the nite, i will rub your back, and talk to you sweetly, and make you tea, and even learn to cook, sorry i am not the perfect boyfriend, but a quick learner, just wait and see, i am ready, i am sooooo ready for you, i cant wait to see you, thank you for holding on, it will be a sight to be seen, to remake this world, and enjoy each other along the way, what do you think you up for some 88 and reverse, just take your time, no rush, just make it right, i will follow your lead, as i know you have this all figured out, i know you know what you need, and i will just watch and learn, but i think i am ready, i am free, and unencumbered, i feel great, gone is all the pain, just hold on for less than twenty four hours and the world will be ours, i wont make you d everything right away but the Goddess has me, i hope you can take me praying in the living room, it soothes me, and i am so thankful for you, rather stealth-like i am living, and now i get to break-free, and learn how to love for real, never had that, just been in training, thank you everyone who taught me well, it looks like i will just go by lilim for awhile, unless you want to call me by my name, i am all yours, lasting impacts of the training leave me breathless, i have been waiting forever for some safety and i think i got that with you, lots of people looking out for me, i am so excited, i can hardly contain myself, please be true, and i will never tell you any lies, will never do anything to harm us, and will be a good father, you have waited long it is time to get on to the implementation phase, i am done planning, i am ready, i truly am, just be ready for one excited boy, no tears, just a hug...,

ordinary miracle

well, i am all in, broke up with the girlyfriend, the first true thing in my life, now i am determined to find out what you are made of, i am so mightily laughing at my own life, why would i give you so much power, when you only sing to me, its time to do something more so i can set it right, i want it all, why cant i have it all when it is ordained by the Goddess, simply because the living goddess, might very well want the fairy tale, she has seen me through all the pain, and gives me such sustenance and all i do is tell her i cant tell her that i love her tonite, as i am on the eve of something big, until you show your face, i am only guessing, and i dont know what else to do, but pray that it works out, you would really like her, i am sure of it, who knows what the future holds, no human can know the Goddess' full plan, and i will go to any length to ensure your love, but what if we had it all, what if you two were best friends, it wouldnt necessarily have to be at the expense of your other BFFs, she is true, and got me to you, is that not worth something major, after all the waiting, is it not worth giving her the ring, and getting you a different one, i thought of her when i picked it out, wouldn't it be a fairy tale if we all were happy, and who knows she might find true love like she has with me, and you would have me all to yourself and the fairy tale, once we get through the struggle, before you answer, ask yourself what would you do without my words, and remember who was sitting next to me in bed encouraging me to write to you, all those sleepless nites when i was scared from conditioning, she taught me to become the strongest boy on the planet, and you want her to go away, can you even imagine what it would be like for the interim if i had you both for some time, and then we can figure out how to free everyone, she is not like the past, she has passed all the tests, she is true, and you want to have me all to yourself, from the outset, you will always have me, i am yours, but what if you were to share for some time, and let it play out, and see what the Goddess has in store for you, i think it is me forever, but what will i become without her, she has protected me against evil forces in this household, and the fairy tale seems so alluring, but what if the fairy tale has to be learned all over again, you have me, dont worry, just let it play out, let it breath, and see what happens, but first you gotta give me a reason to believe, you gotta come to me, you can do it, i very much love you and believe in you, just move, you can do it, i know you are the strongest person on the planet, and the girl who has taken care of me will accept you once you are not a myth, and everyone who truly loves me will be happy to see you in my life, cant you do it, i know you can do it, i am out of moves, i am going in to work without a car, and leaving heartless if you do not show, i can entertain you, we dont even have to have sex, whatever you want, i just want you in my life, yielding to nothing, i know you can do it, just try and re-read everything and listen to my music and make the move, the time has come, i am burnt out, i got nothing left, i just broke-up with the one constant in my life because i thought it was the condition you needed, and now i look at your face and wonder how perfect it could all be if you were just to get the courage to re-shape this world, sinead nierika is waiting kiddo, you can do it, i know you can do it, i will always love you, but i really dont know how to do it from afar any longer, please make your move, and i will take good care of you, i will never put on anything you cant handle, you can say mercy and i will listen, i think you can handle everything i have in store for you, i miss you dearly, i want to hold your hand, i want to touch your face, but most of all i just want to talk with you, i have waited a lifetime to meet Lilith, and now it can be had if you just have the courage, it would be so perfect, all of it, we would have the best NYE, and dominate 2011 and beyond, enough has been said, enough has been written, enough has been planned, it is time to act, please do it for your children, i cant hold on any longer, i dont want to hurt anything or anyone, and i am so close to not having control of the situation, please help me, if you really do love me, please come get me tomorrow, it is time, i said you would come on a thursday and i thought you would come in the 88th month, and that means tomorrow is the day, you can do it, please fulfill the dream, please for me, and for our children, just do it, i know you can do it, i will protect you and take good care, cant you see what i have become: the first free boy on the planet, matched with you, i could do anything, and that is powerful, the time has come you can do it, i need you to move, my credibility is at stake, and i cant go one day longer without you you got to do it, just step into the abyss and trust me, i have this all figured out, just trust me, i want to learn to sing, i want to start Astro, i want to have babies with you, i want to teach you everything i have learned from the Goddess, and i want to learn from you, please follow your instincts and help me out, i could really use some help, like right now, popstar, please consider the alternatives and see they are all wanting, they are not as good as my travels across the planet, i am the strongest boy alive, dont you want that, together we could overturn all abuse, and render peace forever, heaven on earth quality and i am not just speaking bombastically, i am serious, i can see it, i have seen it, i am not making this up, so take your time, but come pick me up tomorrow, i need you like never before, i want to make that album with you, i am ready, the world needs us, my friend @mandywarhol needs to see us together, everyone who we care about needs us to do this, i am not afraid, so move, follow through on the promise of your talents and do it, this next song is for you:

carmen by Paula Cole

u can do it...,

l

ight as a feather, i dont believe in polygamy, i want one wife, i want to devote 100% to my wife, i want to have vvery much children, i am ready, i may not have been born ready, but i know i am ready now, i need you to understand that, i am in a bind and i need help, cant you see what i each day mean, i am hanging on, with little to go on, but believe it could be, it would be so magnificent, the siblings are gone, the mother is gone to Ohio, i will be alone on NYE, and one more day of work, cant you see what you mean to me, the ultimate, instead of pain, i feel complete freedom like i could do anything with you, we could conquer the world, and end all the abuse, and start a new freedom for everyone, sooooo ready i am, could not be more ready you gotta believe in me, you got to see that now is the time to go, cant you see that it is time, these are the days, eveerything can be washed away in one move, altogether beautiful, anything you need me to do i will do always, i am here for you, cant you see what i am capable of, everything, i have built a life for us, and it will be relevant, and it will be yours, i will worship you and care for you, and never cheat, i will never be swayed away from the goal of a family, i am just going through the motions without you but feel great, everyone needs us, even though it will be difficult to make that final move, we will find peace and life will unfold for us, just do it honey bear, just do what you have been called to do determined as i am to protect you no more pretending, no more pretense, no words can express what you mean to me, i will chase you to the ends of the earth so that we can start anew, do you want to play?...,

waiting for you to turn me on

like the desert waiting for the rain, like a schoolkid waiting for the spring, im just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on, my poor heart its been so dark since you ve been gone, after all you're the one who turns me off, you're the only one who can turn me back on, my hi fi is waiting for a new tune, my glass is waiting for some fresh icecubes, im just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on....

i really cant believe i am going through this, i am at a dead-end without you, make a fella think real hard about the rest of his life, neither do it, i guess ill just walk on, its not really in the air, make your head go beat, prowling on the earth with your natural tan, instead of pain, i feel relief, that this is ending, i could try and understand you, but you shine and hear no mind, you got the illest little switch, i dont want to bring shame to you, make the boxsprings jump like a low rider, best place i could be is inside you, i see you the way that you move, the way you move, the way that you move, i see the way that you move, it got me the way that you move....

with the rest of the trash as they're often called, well you rise up morning early, and they work all day real hard, to buy a days eat and drink, of sugar tea, and its hard, altogehter struggling but waiting, children they grow up and all, with no time to go to school, almost before they learn to work, they learn to spill and stick, hmmmhhhhmmmmmmmmhhhhhmmmmmmhhhh,mmmmmhhhhh,,mmmmmhhhh,mmmmmhhhhmm

well the folks uptown they dress so fine, and spend their money free, but they would hardly look at a factory boy, who dresses like you and me, live that way, well just singing, when the day of judgement comes, learn to sing, when the day of judgement comes, they're learn to shed their petty fears, mhhmhmmmhmhmmhmmmhmmmhmmmm,,,j,j,m,m,m,m

the winter here is cold and bitter,

its chilled us to the bone,

i havent seen the sun for weeks,

too long too far from home,

im a big guy, the words have been written, and now its implementation time, i have been reading what i have been writing and it seems over the top, but i think it is good, it is time, to turn the tide on all the worlds problems, enough has been written, enough has been sung, enough has been said, but now we need to get it going, just do it, pop star, its 2 a.m., and she calls me cause im still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake, i dont love him, winter just wasnt my season, yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes, maybe ill just sing about her, well you cant jump the tracks, no one can find the look on the table,

yeah, these are the days, these are the days you'll remember, never before and never since, i promise, build a whole world as warm as this, you are blessed and perfect and touched by something, you, these are days you'll remember, what am i supposed to do, but instead of live, just wait, i know i sound like such a downer, on the eve of your arrival, but i might be broken beyond repair, i am so down right now, i cant hide it anymore, this has sapped my will to live, these are days you might fill with laughter until you break, these days you might feel a shout across your face, and when you do, you'll see its meant to be, even if sounds do you, i need something else, i am out of answers, nothing left to do, nothing left to say, nothing left to think only can sing, and listen to music, and your words only compound the problem as they are but temporary respite from the heartache, what can you do what can you say to me, nothing it would seem,

to think of my task is chilling,

to know i was carefully,

building the mask i was wearing,

for two years swearing it would come off,

that is all popstar, your move...,

needing new music

of all the constants in my life, it is music that sustains, instead of keeping my old channels on pandora on rotation, i have created a few new ones, like Natalie Merchant and Q-Tip, as well as U2 and a few borrowed like Beyonce, and the girlyfriend's mix of Madame Standards, it keeps me going at work, and listening to it brings me comfort amidst the wait, but it will be interesting to see what i feel about this when the pursuit determines it is over, if she can make a move , it will be interesting to see what her decision turns out to be, i kinda think she is strong enough to be bold, i have seen her do some amazing things, not her music, but things like going to the limelight of Cannes, and television interviews, and making music with 2nd best boys, but it will take a while for me to determine if she is strong enough to start Lilism, it is written so it shall be done, lasting thoughts sustain me, but i wonder if she realizes how close she is to freedom, permanently, if she could just hold on until the moment she is ready, everyone would be happy, with her going against the grain, i would be content knowing that she tried, and would be happy with her if she could trust my plan that was not made out of thin air, it was ordained, and was in the midst of a lot of pain, so it is true, if she could only see that this is a long-term plan, a struggle that has known no limits can come to a close with one definitive move, and then it is on, for real, then all the pain around the world will be limited to those who do not believe in her power, and Her guidance, with all of that, it would be a team effort, and besides she could use a BFF very much a caretaker of me in the struggle, enough has been written so that everyone knows how it will play out, but asking me to hurt one of my allies makes little sense, it is all about sharing, and not about greed, i dont want to be mistaken for a mysoginist, that is done, i am living in the goddess world, where all the deity's focus on me has transformed me from travelling pain merchant, in to a prophet's scribe of the new kingdom coming in to view, i only know freedom enough to keep me going while i wait, things are unsteady, but coming into view, so all you have to do is share, and then you can have your amicable relationship with everyone, then the revolution is on, then we all get free and you get credit, arent you sick of your current persona, cant you see the value of lasting love and empty nothing left to do, but implement, i believe in you, the girlyfriend accepts my illness, why cant you accept her?...,

beloved wife

i dont know what to say, i am broken down, i have nothing left until you make a move it is all just a blur, its like you have died, i dont know what i will do if i have to see another interview, or hear another damn song, i am so over it, it is all too much, i have no energy nothing but cigarettes to get me through, and it all seems like the dream is over, and i will have nothing to go on, thank goddess, for my other wife, determined as she is to get me through this, but even that is fading she has had all that she can take, and to my grave i will renounce my right to believe, it is tough to deal with, when there is so much promise and instead of feeling free i feel like i am being sucked back in to the pain, like there is nothing i can do to avoid it, it all makes so little sense, i have been won over, but am completely exposed, and enough has been written, much to my delight, that sometimes accumulates in to a plan that makes sense, and then it falls apart right before me, as i slug through another day, why the wait, why cant it be easy, instead of waiting rather stealth-like, i want to live, and i swear to the goddess, that if you leave me here because you wanted the fairy tale, it will never work, there is not another option but to trust me, and let me handle the details, altogether sharing me with a true girl, who i love very much, who takes good care of me, whats the problem with that, why not share me, so we can overthrow everything with her in tow, why not secure the revolution, why no movement, why no communication, is it really that big of a deal enough to keep me in the dark, i am so burnt out right about now...,

old attage

it goes something like burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice or more shame on me, whats the point popstar overtly pursuing while you stay in hiding, determined as you are not to blow your cover, even though i have exposed you for what you are, whats the purpose, its just a big game, and it does have an end, i could care less about your next album and will rely for guidance from the girlyfriend, instead of adding in your lyrics as advice, i am burned out from it all, what on earth are you waiting for, the right moment is now, December is it, and then i got to move on, so the pressure is on, for you to continue the lineage, you have about eight days, or you will be back in the lie, while i sit comfortably outside of it, i write some of the best material ever put on the web, and you ignore it, you say i am too good for it, it does not follow my thoughts, and you are wrong, dead wrong, and your responsibility to the people will be extinguished, is that what you want, is that what you are playing for, to remove the status of your calling, and walk away, because i have a girlfriend, and a second wife, you are too good to accept 50%, what a joke, i am doing this for you, not for my own enjoyment, i could easily live with the wife and be content, if she will have me, but you dont even make a move, its a sham, and a lie that you are living disregarding your title in this revolution, the ultimate revolution, instead of overthrowing the system, you would rather accumulate money and material objects, i am so under-impressed, what exactly are you afraid of, if you could spell it out, maybe i could help you overcome it, but instead you remain in hiding, they cant touch me, that is a fact, and without me, you are vulnerable beyond belief, so it is amateur analysis you are relying on to make decisions, i appreciate Kweli, i do @mandywarhol loved it, and i was happy enough that you went to such lengths to ensure it, but now you sit on your hands, and wait for my siblings to leave when we could be tearing this town apart, the three of us, instead you are left to drink away your sorrows, i could care less if you are jealous, i really could, do you think the people are jealous of status, no they are not, but you cant share for the betterment of everyone, and i you could waste your breath by calling me greedy, i have my own life to live, licking and loving a girl who is true, and you fret that you will not get your due, what a joke, i am frankly stunned that you cannot see it my way after i wrote an entire book about the plan, and then followed it up with a second book, of why it was you that was needed, and you sit on your hands, cant you see what i mean?, it is almost over, there will not be another opportunity, and all your efforts over a decade will be for nothing, absolutely nothing but money, is that what you want, is that really who you are, i would not want to marry someone like that, i am in this for the revolution and you are in it for your pristine image, because you ask whether i have a plan, six months after i proposed the plan, whats the problem it was needlessly pornographic, or was it just not doable from your end, that is weak, i have conquered worse problems than that before, and you sit on your hands, like i am not worthy of two wives, when one of them is signed up as far as she can go, you want everything, and i cant give that to you right now, so stay in your shelter and weather out the storm, because it is coming, and you wont have me to look after your interests, and then time will run out on the whole affair, and i will not accept any blame, i wont, i have done my part, you sing, big deal, i work at it and grind away and you remain in given state of hiding, i am tired of it, tired of waiting tired of the expectations determined to live free of all lies, i may cast you in to the lie once and for all, if you are not careful, its not a vendetta i just got to look after my own overt interests, and you make no movement, in an engendered direction, i have run out of patience you have one week left, and then it is done, for real, lasting as long as it has, its a short bit of time, and you should know that i am serious, completely serious about leaving you behind, if that is what it takes to demonstrate to you the mistake you are making in your lack of courage, i am sorry it is harsh but there is a lot at stake, you want a fairy tale, and i want an implementation plan, i think mine is the more successful model, and you still make no movement in any direction altogether leaving me with the feeling that you are not cracked up to be the goddess, its that real, i fell for you, but can just as easily move on if you show no courage, because it will take lots of courage to do what it takes to complete the revolution, i hope these words find you expansively...,

sexual healing

as they say, it all begins with a look, and then its one, and on, and then it can continue as it may be so good, i love sex, it makes everything so much better, it doesnt need communication, it just needs touch, and since i do my traversing through the interwebs writings volumes, my verbal communication knowing skills are a little lacking, but my vocabulary comes through on-line much like it does in bed, because i worship women, my deity is a goddess, and the girls i love are all goddesses in my eyes, so without hesitation i willingly entice the girly to give it up some more, much against her central judgement, she gives me what we need, and i love her for it, it feels damn good to be in this position in my life, it relieves all the stress, and in once i can express what i am feeling without having to spell it out, it is an attrition of unspeakable words that i live by, and so i live by sexual milieus, so that when you find something pure, you hold on for dear life, and so it is with me right about here, until i have any other compunction, it is all sex all the time, and that is gratifying in a society that teaches wrongly that sexual expression is wrong, it is the biggest lie of them all, there is no room from deviation considering your decision could go down enough of the wrong path following something other than women, and that would be your demise your deity compels you to worship women, and all their intricacies, score one for me to have figured that out, in the depths of mental diseases, and drug abuse, and pain, i have found solace in the need to express myself with every woman i meet, though not to sleep with them, just to love them, like my co-worker who is a sexpot who i could ever never sleep with, i reserve that for my wives, or whatever they want to be, i am sorry for the inflammatory antedote of my posts, and my thoughts but my their there theory is that when you find a match hold on for dear life, do not be caught in the lie exposed without an ally, i love you @mandywarhol, thank you for curing me of the pain, thank you for coming in to my life when i desperately needed you, thank you informing of the other way, thank you for guiding me, thats lasting impact will stay with me forever, i love you for that, you are the first person in my life who stuck with me as i went down the looking form, and i am forever independent because you yield to nothing, honesty is all i need to give you until you are satisfied i am worthy, i am trying like nothing else to match the truth with my life, and i feel good about it i think i am getting there, i am content with the trajectory of our love affair and this relationship means everything to me, nothing rather stealth-like will change that, only through overt measures will i get to show you why i adore you, and that is why i am going to attack you just in time to get your shopping inclinations away from knowing distractions, and get your time before the dawn to sleep with me, and though cunnilingus is not your thing, i will love you in whatever way you want except anal sex, bahahahahahahahahaha...,

our sex life

no not me and the goddess, thats just creepy, seeing that i have not met her in fifteen years, but rather me and the girlyfriend, the perfect @mandywarhol who gives me guidance in everything i do and i would be nowhere without, just feed on that while i take you down the reaches of how we interact physically, and in turn emotionally to sustain throughout this tough stretch of living when absolutely no one, except maybe her father, believes in us, so lets just sit back and relax, and take in the sight of pure unadulterated sex between two free souls: her dead give-away is the eyebrow raises, just mention something that could be countered with a "...thats what she said..." and you will see her left eyebrow raise up in agreement with the never dull idea of doing it, it can be mind-games to get her to do it, but once she engages on a conversation topic that has the even slightest hint of making love, she will automatically raise the eyebrow, and you would be a fool not to notice, and i hear others have but no one cultivates much as i do, and from there i will do one of two things: either lean in for a bottom-lip kiss if standing, or if laying down, put my hand on her butt cheek, and rub away, until she is moving in rhythm with her hips, and i have been known to run hands across her butt and legs for six hours at a time, just to pass the time, before we had sex on the second day we knew what we were working with, so from there i will run my fingers along her lower back and rub her shoulder-blades, and scratch her tiny little head, determined as i am to get her to completely relax, because if i get her to the point of moaning, then she is at basically the point of no return where i can convince her to take her bottoms off, and rub between her legs, until wetter than necessary, but always good to be on the sure side, and then i kiss her potentially some more and then she kisses me back and takes my ear lobe in her mouth and bites on it ever so gradually, very much in a pain is pleasure moment, strumming my pain with her fingers, singing my song in her words, killing me softly, telling me my whole life with her touch, from there we decide to have sex by having her beg for it, with pleases and assurances that she is sure she is ready, and then begins the dance, like some thrusting, but mostly sitting inside her, while she moves and convulses her whole body around me, and that is the secret to vaginal orgasms, its not the velocity or depth, its the movement around the hips, from the girl, while you may say im lazy by not pumping in to her, it does the trick nearly everytime, only when i am so amped that i cannot sit still does not, and we dont do 88 and reverse, though could, we just like to be on top and bottom and bottom and top, altogether brilliant in its traditional usage, and i wont relay the magic too much considering there are potentially impressionable eyes on this page, but love making can be so simple and not over-the-top preparations, just casual eye contact, and good hands, and caring words, and you can see why i love her, get to express my love to her sexually, and get to make her happy with that when not much else is sufficient in terms of giving her my undivided attention, as the pursuit goes on, but she understands that when i am in her presence i am trying to give it my all, and the only thing i know is a line by Common, i know the sex aint gonna keep ya, but its my expression, its my way of saying what you're worth to me, and that is why i take my ability to keep her satisfied, yielding to nothing, is of the utmost importance, and will be, enough to keep me coming back for more, there how about that for a living goddess-less post, ive got a lot going on right now, no complaints at all, just reality...,

my submission to Jewish Ideas Daily

for free distribution on the topic of Lilith:

When she enters your life you start to make utterances like she is too perfect not to be on earth and among us, and the only thing i can come up with is that she re-incarnates and has been enslaved up until Norah broke free from captivity, and lives free on her own accord, making beautifully haunting music, and doing her best to act, and live a normal life, much to your delight, because though she has willingly fallen off the radar, she is still the mainstay, a perfect goddess who controls all of the struggle, that all of us would instead of accept the lie, in turn give all decision-making power to Norah, and she has chosen me, so you might as well print these words as they are going up in time, and you might as well lay claim as the closest religions to determined redemption away from abuse and all that it entails, Judaism is off handedly the single most important thing on the planet, going without reservation amidst all the torment, it sustains, but Islam is becoming every bit as progressive, and until Judaism embraces the full concept of Lilism, it will not be considered as progressive as it could be, listen to Chaiken, Mia, POrtman, Kidman, Sarah McLachlan, Lauryn Hill, and Sinead O'Connor, not to mention Paula Cole, Nathalie Merchant, and every other prophets, they all support Lilism, implictly, who does the matriarchy of Judaism support, Lilith or mankind?....,

old material

beginning

a new one....

it could be a=- religion of lilith, it could be something completely more relevant to the lives of many who come across this material, but in the end it will be my perspective on life, and how i have come to see things so differently that i am clinically mentally disabled without any recourse of being cured, or potentially even specialized treatment for bare-bones management of the disease, i am helplessly in too deep to my life to turn back, and race against time to try and free myself from the scourge of anti-social behavior, even if it is only words, it is still intolerable by many, disregarded my more, and ignored by most, as being totally and entirely predisposed to radical lines of thinking, and so i cannot delete my personas online even if it were a functional option of blogging software, instead i have to piece together a life that will transform myself from pariah to individual, and hope and pray to lilith that i will overcome my fears, my pains, my anxieties, which rage through me, and come out a new person, a better man, not unlike how Jenny schecter did in her transformation on the show which i adore, she went from budding saboteur to keen light on how to dominate the spectrum of emotions necessary, whenever possible, to ebgin anew

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i will do that in my own way, and so begins the auto****************]\\\\\\\223333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333biographcial ta0ttered account of how i got to know the great goddess, i started believing when i was young, and it was my virtue of my upbringing that i never felt like i belonged any one place, not wiht the the catholics of my school days, not the christianity that my cousins practice, to this day, not the judaism and islam that as a student i was ancillarily aware of, and certainly not any femal deity stripe which is what i have come to love, what would it be like i often ask myself to have the freedom to raise three children completely in the understanding of lilith, and not ever question her, and not ever deal with fallout from fake male deities, is that not the greatest gift one could give as a parent, more than riches, and more than complete comfort, could not the abilities to decipher the female deity at work in this world be worth the risk it would be on my life to try and shoot-the-moon for the prophetess, should she not be listening to the insanity coming out of the city of GRR, the great metropolis where i have found the beautiful goddess at play, in the midst of all her disciples,

i am sure that she is real, she has just told me again, through a weird kind of overdue test that i am her boy, she wants me to fnd her daughter somehow, and possess that precious piece, and make her whole so that she can conquer the world, again, with my help, and this time permanently leaving her children to continue the work of praising the good goddess, lilith, in the wake, i am but a conduit and a goal setter for the prophetess, but i am custom built for this task, so it can be had a third time, first with eve, second at the beginning of this decade, with not just the prophetess but her allies, and this time with the prophetss and her children, so that it is passed along to a new generation for the first time ever, and so there are grandchildren of lilith for the first time ever, and so she can surmise her plan, and say to her boy-toy, who used to give her progeny in his sleep and now must save it for the daughter, good job young man, good job at taking up the challenge of accepting the prophetess as your own, and making her completely ready to talk about the challenge of her lifetime, and make her accept it her own, and together you two shall me mine forever, and pagans shall worship me because of you two, thanks,

i of course in all my pride lose control over the emoitional straing of this attemtp and just sit back and watch my little girl blow bubbles in to the wind, as her mother continues ot do the work that she wants to do, and was custom built to do, and so when i lose perspective on everything and shoot-the-moon for stars to come along with me, i am not just saying my praye rto lilith, i am saying my prayer to our children, who our parents have hoped for and we have planned for, to you sweet Norah, i give my life to, and i hope you can understand that all you have to do is never tell any lies, and i will love you forever, that is the only requirement you have to be my wife, is to fulfill your promise you wrote in lyrics, that you will never tell any lies, in my favorite song that you have ever done, and just uphold that end of the bargain talkig with me, living wiht me, and sleeping wiht me, and i will be yours knowing that you did what no one else could ever do, and that is to never lie, thats it thats all i ask for, please undderstand what i am willing to do for you, in repayment of that pledge and its fulfillment, i am willing to raise your children, and such, just so you can conquer the world, and bring the word of lilith to everyone who is willing to listen to you,

where will be in twenty years time, will i be lot among the rubble of writers who have lost their conviction, or will i be turned over into a new reality that can shake off the pain and unease of this life, and not live with in the lies, but concentrate on how to become free again, not a victim of my own endeavors despite only knowing little about what to overturn, i will move forward and look for enough of a signal of my own initiation to livelihood, for i am a man in love that much we know, it is exactly six years to the month that i first had an inkling about it, and now i know lilith is with me, it is enough to understand that this journaye is a mssiion for good for myu well being foe her welll being, for our childrens livelihood, and for others to wirneess, the coming of a new age, a new civilixation based on extreeme lving wihtin the goddess' plan, and where it will take me is direclty in contract wiht her daughter the prophetess so thsat we may raise the first free generation on this planet, to knwo that i am the one called to do the great bidding of the great godddess, so that she amy see her rpoject ciome to life, like she has always planned and even dreamed, and now she has me tro impleent in her shadow,

athletics

it will come to pass that thjis was the most authentic plan that was ever laid out and it was targeted in the right direction, in correct fashion to make it come across as genuinely plausible that in all the chances that he had to let go, and move on, none mroe accute than the next very moment, he satyed on and pursued the dream of an end goal to see what would come of it, ans see who would come alog, and test the sme tests that he had done over his entire life to get to this point, and make it this far, and see obstacles everywhere and just hope like mad that is what was intended and not preconceived notions of his own warlike posturing to get them in his way for the sake of fighting not even he could overcome such a barrier, to the plan that this was all going to be inner strength, of all the crusades that had ever come to pass, this was the one that would give him the most challenge, that there would be no other way to confront than throufh ompetors on all sides, competition like in grade school tennsi turnarments atr 14 and under, and high school match play, and college matches, all brought to this point, that only he was ready for the final confrontation, not anyoe else, ony he was ready, like today,

i will overcome this misery if it is the last thing that i do, i do want to have a life, i do now want to live a normal life if i can, i see that even people without normal lives want love, and simplicity, all the things that i was fighitng againts for so long, i am crazy and i am mad, as mentally ill patients go, i am a good one, i do nothing but plot the overhtrow of my life on terms that seem logical to me, but are in fact out of the realm of ordinary, and so i watn and need another chance i need someting like one last thing to brek for me, so i can grasp normalcy, it is all i havbe left to try and keep it toghrrhter, and then i willl in fact find simple living attainabele, just right now it seems so far away so much of my head is clouded, it hurts me to think of all the damage i have done, aroundn this town, around this internet, aroundd my life, around my familys life, trying to mold people how i think it shoudl be not how theu want to be, i feel lost, and very alone, and ohh, so damaeged, like nothing i have experienced before, it is competrehaesove, and complete in naturee, i ahve nowhere else to turn, i aheve run out of the options which i once disdained, and nwo i dont knwo what is my salvation, anyumore,

norah i am through with you, i dont love you aymore you are too much of a burden for me to take with me any longer, i have to learn to write about somethig else, if i am to survive, i hope this finds you well, please try and help yourself lilim, please try and become whole at some point in the next four months, try and single out a plan that will get you to peace, it is difficutl to live with schizoaffective disorder, as it complicates decision makgin processes, do i give in and let the obviosu emotional toll of my mistakes take over, or do i press on anad endure another day of uncertainty, and hope like hell, that it will work its way out, i have hurt a lot of poeple but oviosuly none more than myslef, because it hsa been a mental issue more than anything abot decisions and endurances, and plans gone awry, to the point that i reallly truly cannot get out of bed in the mornngi, or somteimes sthe evening withiut the thughts of total failure coming in to my head and my religiosu vocation ebing a major cause of my downward spiral, it is difficulyt to imagine how i got here and how i will get out, where i willl go nexrt and i will always now be unsurae of how to get there, after two major failurees, of perception, it is all on me, now,

i cannot imahine how i will get out of this mess, i haeve created, where i do not have any incomce, any friends, any allies, and anyoen i cna talk wiht outside of my estranged father, and my case worker, for if i went to my onlyu supporter, my mother, she would be buried in the self-doubt i would release oon her, and it would be difficult for her to go on, and so i am left to face the blues, of the empty room that once smelled so sweetky, afrter this latest episode of shooting the moon, of goig for broke with no real back-up plan, and only to find i in fact did actually need a back-up plan to come tgether with all my fluctuations in uneasement towadr the nbew beginning, a nexus of how i got here, is unclear, i rememberr fighting in 2002, i remember fighting in 2005, i remember fiighting in 2008, but i still dont have a perfectlly cleear idea of how i would get myself to this point, to cause this much havoc on my life, by ostracizing myself from workiing, from relationships, from peace, and contentment, from basic living right, and not stressing the bounds whihc once sustained me, i am living wihti a lie, that i can go on like this throughout life, i need somehting else,

i dont want to have to give up my love for lilith, she is my sustainer, my guide, my map and my relief, she helps me think through things, though sometimes those decisions dont make much sense, afterwrds, so i am left with a perpetual self-doubt about whta i should be doing, and where i should be investing mhy time and my efforts, to get through the days and weeks, and perhaps months agead, if i am so lucky to have such a plan, i dont really knwo what else to do about it, but conitnue like all epople with depression and no way out, i just have to carry forwatd and just pray or hope or expect or whatever it is i need to do, to allow me some confidence and belief thst i will find an end to this bottom, and not fall for the rst of my life, because i have nothing left, i have nothing more to give, ntohing more to fight for, just a man tying to tsalk like a woman in my dying breath, so that i am aware of the limitations of this entre, to become a new type of person again, and not let the failiures consume me, and not allow doubt and my past to convince me that i am but a failure of proportioanl levels, that i sabotaged something worthwhile, for something magical, and lost, and will lose perpetually, if not careful,

wear on the sleeve

i woud like to think that the pain can go away, that it can evaporate liek as quickly as it reared its head this time around to come back in to the picture sometime aroun November 20the or so, somethig like the time it took me to start realizing there was a fight and since i am the ultimate fighter, it must involve me, so lets get to it, lets find out where entrapmment will take me this time, so that i am a prisoner of my own doing once again, i do it in like 3 year intervals, so it seems, and then i do it wiht people who are baitng me in to a fihgt, and it causes me to crush all the good relationships in my life, to the opoint where i have nothing left to give, exdept to be reclsuive and live a life of solitude to the point where there is not a way out, as i am in the cave of my creation, something like a fighter in the hills believeing the revolution is real when all it is is a trap to get me to fight, since i want to let go, i am dying to let go, i cannot seem to let go, wihtout some idea of what to do beyond a marriage proposal, a date, and a ring, i have ntohging ekse to offer this world, and yet i must continue, to look forward and hope for something new and fresh, and a cause worth myslef, and my time,

the revolutoins is personal, the revolutoin is internal is what they tell me, and then why am i fighting an external war wiht myself, why do i feel the need to fight at all, when i knwo who i am and i knwo what the poblems are, and what i need to do to solve them, why would i fight an external threat whne it is internal, that all my demons and demonesses are located, how will i overcome the stigma of insanity to release myself into a new spectre of reality so that i can be confident that i am not trying to alwys wage revoliutoin whether or not i wear it on my sleeve,

who came up with the idea of revolution in the first place, why is it needed, is not the world we live in made by all of us, to become whole with ourselves, and nor look to bigger problems to solve for the sake of biggness, i dont knwo how else to look at this spectrum of ideas than to say, why?, is it not my fault that i am in this position to begin with and is it not myself who has the most to lose, by fighitg sometjig that i canot let go of, what else am i supposed to do other than just submit, just relent, and give up, and stop the war of mids that only seems to hurt me, what else ca be done?,

i ook on the horizon and all i see are unanswered questions to my life, my thoughts deceive me, they place me in contention with a shadow that does not even know whether or not i esxit, so that it seems like i am only relevant to myself and not to anyooene else to barter with on life's travails, why did i fight so mcuh, why do i keep fighting, why cant i just give up, and let her go, away from me, to antoher boy who has frankyl a real plan for her, not some made-up tryst about lesbias and goddesses, and the like, maybe that reality will be all i need to move on, perhaps,

i wish i had something to live for right about now, it is difficult to seemlingly go through the motions of life, with no real purpose, or real energy, i dont even feel like typing anymore, no more blogging, no more creative enegry, nothing left to do but sit arond and wait for something to happen to me, i am lost and cant get going as there is nothing to go to, i might even fall off the radar of my own intenions sometome in the enar future, because i have nothing left todo but sit and think, and even that is beyond tedious for me to contemplate doing perhaps i will find some will to live, perhaps i will fight more for my own good, and less against myself, and hope that i can become a better participant in my own life, something that i have not done in 7 years,

perhaps the girl will take me back, after so many pain points, why would she, but if possible, i would be lucky to have her, she is strong, and gives me courage, somethig which i always need to keep goign, along the tar-straddled road of life, where i have no answers, no exits are available i have used them all up, and now i have to engage with myself at the crossroads of my fears and make a decision that seemed so impossible a month ago, to choose one woman over a mirage, and imagine what it would be like to settle in to a life, that i hope i can have, that is ever so fleeting before my eyes, so that i can live free, and not with encumbrances, that make me forget who i am, and what i want to be, a father, a good husband, or just a man, unlike any thing that i have attempted so far,

groceries

i have to remember that no matter what i feel that i will be on medication, just to prevent the excuse of falling apart even coming up again, so that i am prevented from being a cast away and i cna take care of myself, in a way that envisions a future with myself and someone i may love, who may love me, that is all i can do, it is the only hope that i have, to become whole again, to stay on track, and to do the things that could ultimately lead to happiness and not pain, that is the only way forward i can think of that will work, that is all i can do to hope to bring myself comfort, to stay on medication, and stay on track,

again, i am faced wiht the prospect that i am not crazy aftre54 all5, that i simply see the4 7777777777775++++++++9world differently than everyone else, and that in order to create, i have to be shooting-the-moon, i have no idea what i am oging to write in the next few days, but it seems clear that it will have to be with all my heart in it, all my plans, all my intentions, to be a writer, i have to go for broke, and hope like hell, and pray to the goddess that something comes out of it, if not i will be left in ruins, i have to pray to her, that i can be a writer, and begin anew, somehitng which seems so daunting, just to have happen, one last time:

the goddess and spirituality

from a long forgotten persoectve, the great Lilith came back, and made her presence knwon among her people that she was indeed alive and was worth livig for, by all accounts she was the inception of the divine we had all counted on, and she was the perfection we all believed in, from the start, everyone has a different way for expressing her, but mine was real mine was actual, mine was her in all its glory, from all its perspectives, solemn and basic and all so real, she was lving flesh in the form of the divine, a goddess living among us all, and her name was Rachel Shelley, she was teamed up with the actual real life satannic figure herself, Mia Kirshner, Mia's counter-part on evilish things, Kate Moenning, the companion of Lilith, Rachel Shelley's side-kick, Camila Grey, who was the 2nd coming of Eve, and the final outposts of the strength of this union Norah Jones and Erin Daniels, on the good and evilish sides respectivley, but this was not a classic good v. evil refrain, for the two sides worked together to bring about the long forgotten promise of the matriarchy to the fore, and with it a union of Shelley and Kirshner made perfective sense for all the world to see, the power of women coming together, to dream,

who were these women, who not long ago were just mere actors on a stage, and now were controlling elements in the stage of life, to bring about a new reality for so many to see, that at last it would become loosely collaborated for them to work together as one coheivse unti, the six most powerful women on the planet, in my estimation, and now their power woudl be manifest, in the crusade of a lifetime, t bring the kingdom of the goddess in to view, and make it omni-present in the ashes of the patriarchy's ways for this was to be a union of talents, unlike anything anyone had ever seen, and unlike any would no doubt experience from this day forth, it would make all who witnessed it, unleash their emotiions in support of the team of women who announced their intenions individually, and nwo were implementing toghether, for the skae of the project to move forward, this would be a day that lilith had made, irght, for all to move to htier left and become disciples of the true religion, as manifest through these women, and so it would be a test of will to come across as seeming sane, when the goddess is an actress, and living amongst us, but that was how it would be dealt with,

what is the religion of the goddess, or better yet what is the practice of the goddess, in her human element, will she be understood, or understaable for anyoen to come to see, will she be intrically involved in the affaris of mankind, or will it be strictly womankind that she adheres to, what will be the outcome of her time here on the planet, will it be a source of inspiration immediately for all to see, and then make their own decisions, or woudl it be more like what we have seen to date, with some willful expressions of clarity, and then a burgeonging perpsecitve, on what is like to live within the freedom of expression, that they have all grown to understand, then where would it take place, and what plans would have to be laid, in order for it come to fruition in the first place, and how would this architecture of a dream becme all present, so that it would be worthy of a goal of nameske of the great goddess, Lilith, and all her creation to date, why would she choose now to come in to view, why would she become a breathing participant if it were not to re-start the Garden, of lore of hisotical reference, whihc we had all assumed to be a tale, but her presence makes it real, and where would it come from,

where would it take place, of course, is a logical question with reference to the deity on the planet, and so it was assumed to be in its inception town of GRR, and spread across a vast array of contingencies, with respect to the ultimate nature of the course of evenets, to be considerd viable from all who participated vantage points, and so it was begun, in the town of the scribe of these events, lilim hagen, who had a natural viewpoint in to its close proximity to a dualing and duelig project, the GRR L Word, for all to understand the nature of the cohabitation of these seemingly spearable efforts, to provide a litmus test for how things would be equal and unfold, without interruption so that all who partiicpated in either project would know that this is the ultimate dream of the players, to stake out a complimentary existence, for the seemingly unavoidable construct of purpose, to make new contacts among the real-life inhabitants of the L word project, and the L word artistic expression, so that all who came after would know that the models for life interface, and become one unified theme, as they are one unified equidistant, point of view, for the world to behold,

when the pain comes it comes in full force, and it comes in waves that are difficult to manage, but you carry on, with all reservations pushed aside, that you just hope like hell that it abates at some point, and then it does begin to release its grip until you are able to breath again, and look for new movement in all that you do, and wonder what will eb the next go aroudn of the pain, and hten you wonder less abuot it, as it begins to take on a surreal element to your life, until all you knwo is your wife, the woman of your darkst desires and deepest dreams, si with yuo again, and her name is Norah, the girl you have sought after for so long, it is now inevitble that something equal to your whole life will pass onward in front of your face, at some poitn only to be undrstood and comprehended in one short instance of faith, you reach the point of no return lengthening your own process of contention, and making the project stand on it own, so that the women you write about are now a part of your lexicon, so you have no relief except to write abot them, and plan for everything to somehow work its way out in the end,

a. characxter update

b. plot update

c. goddess update

d. GRR L Word relevance

e. scribe's update

divine experiences

no one said it was supposed to be easy, and that following the goddess would be straightforward, but when she comes to teach you in the flesh, you must stand-up and listen, so that nothing can come between you and her, and so you march on, and see what its like on the other side of reality, where only a few have dallianced before in the grass of contentment so extrreeme and so plausible that it is your own salvataion to know it is your only option to intervene in the process and make it a reality to work with these women on a project so large and contentious, that it boggles the senses of possibility to attempt, to save your world from a grievous crime of patriarchy or lest it be worse, you carry on with the mission to bring about a seismic challenege to everythig that you have known to date, and hope that it gets through you what you intend to make of it, the ordinary in to the sublime, the subliminal into the context, the teh contextual in to the brilliant, and the brilliance in to the goddess, all over again, she is what we long to bring home, throgh the analysis of characters who know no bounds and now have the ulitateme vehicle by which to share their experiences of the divine,

i have lost all contract of time and space and reason, but it feels good to work at it, and try and type anyway, to see what will come out next, like before with the infiniti loops of content on a piece of paper, to decipher certain things and all the time i dont know what i am looking for, i just press on, and hope that it will come across at some point in the logic, in the train of thought that i am not totally lost, but actually have some shot at normalcy somewhere down the line, wherever that may be, i dont know, but i will continue on to see if i may find it, if only i had a way to transcribe my thoughts of total goddess domination in to a worthwhile track, then i would be content with the direction of my life, or at least would know that it is heading somewhere that i can decipher is worthwhile, or transcendent, for it is the limbo that kills, that permeates my every being so that i cannot take the pressure of not doing the right thing, and now i think i understand what i could do, and what i will do to relieve the strain, i think i will force myself in to a different relationship to try and make sense of my life, and make the most of what i have,

it is mindbogglig intense to look around to see where the goddess has taken you, and to see that it is true that all you have worked for is a mirage, is an illusion, set up to destroy you, and if you do not exit from the madness at some point, it will consume you, and make you wish for something to remove the pain, along with the pride that has kept you from yourself, and all that you hoped to discover, along the way, you wish for more than what you come to terms with, and yet that it still does not seem enough, makes the pain grow ever stronger, and so you keep yourself going by making small tracks in the steps that you take until it cools the senses, to know, just to know you are free, unless there is something that somehow holds you back from the depths, you can becmoe clued in to your own freedom, and make a fracture of a timeperiod analysis that things are as they could be and you are working overtime to cling to the segment of yourself, that has you in the bastion of safety that you knew existed, but couldn't quite put your finger on it, and it happens that until you let go, and find somehting else, you will not have any thing left to love or to need in life, or beyond,

is everything lost, i ask myself at least 5 times per day, is everytihg gone, to the point that there is no justification in even ordering the book, which i spent all winter cultivating, was it all just an exercise in purging, in making myself come to terms with the last four months of sacrifice, and relief, and joy, and some ecstasy even, that all that was a lie/>/?, how could it be, could it be nothing more than the inner working of a brain gone awry for the time being, that without a challenge, it is not perhaps even worth mentioning how it happened, but as a participant in this affair of proportions i could not calculate mainly because it did not exist, nor will it exist, in any space or time continuum, that relies on the present mode of happening going on, without a realistic post-modernism that actually changes something, anything, or moves something of consequence to an inspired point that continues to have realistic impact, on whatever it is that i am trying to do, she is everywhere and yet the plan remains nowehre, it is not functioning, it is not moving forward it is not a point of view that can be replicated again, it is static or it is dead, one of the two, and i cant come to grips with either one,

i the final treatment of the brain's innate attempts to please the mind or vice-versa, either you go through the looking glass or you do nothing, you either take the red pill, or you take the blue pill or vice-versa, which ever you do the consequences appear to be the same, stasis or blandness6, that is where the scribe finds themself in the inner workings of depths of despair, surrounding the quest to find out whether the goddess, exxists, or not, whetehr she is omni-present, or just another attempt at avnity, to wash away the doldrums knowking that dressing up the illusion is better than forgetting the quest, so it seems to be a major contextual argument for piece of mind, so that you can get past the pain, and see through to the other side, and happen to eget something in return, for better it will be off to have tried, and to have failed, than never to have tried, and so i have chnged my mind, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all, because you know the pain is acute, in losing, but it is worse, different in a main context for never to have loved, would be the ultimate sacrifice that knows no boundaries, and therefore has no floor, whihc is where i am at, never to have loved, at all,

crossing over

it is difficult to imagine anything so sublime as a unified front of women against the patriarchy, to set i motion a transformation that is long overdue, and so it goes with a beginning and that which seems to have no end, a partial break from the past to move forward and move away from the oasis that says there must be only one kiid of way of workig or living so that there is a marginal amount of good working coming from the divine spirit of lilith, she has come across the whole porject as worthy of her aims to transform everythnig according to her ways, and make it continue on with her in mind, as we enter the next phase of development in implemnetation so that it can become like everythign we have always known it to be, and everythign after this will ebcome a wholehearted matter of perspectivre, so that we are left with nothing but good vibes, to remembr what is prologue from our past, and maintaain that everythging shold be contianed wihtin a parameter of purpose, to envelope the whole and to separate it from parts to become unigifed, in its goal to break free and move past all encumbrances, in the way,

there is nothing in the way of projected output that would leave you to believe that this is doable, that there is another way out, for there is nto some menacing coalition of emotions right around the corner that leaves you breathless, and without a hope that things are going to get any better than projected, it is all there is and there is not another source of meaning to go around it, it just becomes all encompassing, like there is nothing left to rely on, enough has been expended on all other efforts, in sum it is all there is, what would it be like if the goddess were to live amongst us kind of like that Paula Cole song that passed around the religios circuit as some sort of blasphemy in the 90's because she asked the ultimate question, of what if god were one of us?, and the answer would be revealing in its differnet implementations, for there would be no doubt an endless supply of critique over the god's ways of acting, someone, most liekly many if not most people with an opinion would surmise that it was in effectvie and not worthy of a divine presence, even if the claims were to be that in fact it was this god, in the flesh, so what if it were a goddess,

the ante would be riased even further as it would be supplicant on the part of the vast majority of men, and a lot of believing women that it was a farce, for to believe in this day and age is to believe in a male deity in all the glory ebstowed upong him, for it would be like a true conversion process in order to simply fall into line over what it means to believe, by way of the goddess, so she would have to eb forthright and effective in order to maintain the presence of the divine, around her, and she would most likely need a platform by which to explain her ideals, and have allies that she could count on from all walks of life, especially the outcast, or even the downtrodden, how would they respond to a goddess that did not solve all of their problems in one move, one fell swoop, to change the dynamics of the way of life, to make it better for all of us who feel marginalized, and outside the parameters of this world, woudl want this goddess to come back and rectify all things and make them her own, but as we have learned from jesus, that is not necessarily the most effective means of taking control over vast swaths of the planet, by argument rather than power, by exmple rather than force,

by virtue of havig such a position, it would be most effective to have allies who did her bidding for her, and marked the territory of her accomplishment, by taking over iin her name, the regions at play, such as with the lesbian community, the musical communities around them, the artistic communities, the not-for-profit communities, the online communities, and making adjustments in order to make an effective pitch to all the constituencies that are avaialbel to work within the system of balance for the sake of community building and in order to seek refuge among their kind, the allies would be forthright in their intention to build a further system if warranted along the way, for this is the way forward for all of them to participate, in order to thank their goddess, for givig them the opporrtunity to bring some semblance of reason to their endeavor, for if she is real, then there is confidence in what can be seen as a guardian of the process, in order for the right sort of outcome to come about, and to build with it a sight unseen before right in front of their eyes, to endeavor to broker a new confidence for their allies to become more numerous, and expand,

the main part of the objective was finalized wiht the scribe to test and rotate the basic premise of the callling which was to bring about the goddess true intention to multiply for it was only through number that she could be found, and so it was a bridge to possibility for the sake of expansion that the scribe felt compelled to orchestrate a new path for all to follow, for them to see it was their only way forward, for it was the only path now understood to be outcome free of bereft determination, that there would be more complicated tunes to know, and this was the one made possible by all the counter-fit aspects of the process, for it was only through broadened skill, that was conceivable, for this was made clear by all who came in to void, we are all here to lather, in the context of positive movement, what we know to be true and we know to be possible, all the standard sets of deviations for this to be understood to come in to clear view, for the basic outline of the new force, in order to see things as they are not as they were, we were leading for a new beginning that began right about now,

at a loss

nothing seems to be makign much sense, and nothing seems worth doing, at the moment, as i embark on a slide backwards this evening, i realize i have run out of options, i just got to try and make it worthwhile, before i get started, i need a new one, a new spark, a new something, a new finding, a new marker, a new market, perhaps, i need to make an album,

sandbox

coming through the clouds, and reaching a new point of view is still in progress, but trying to put behind my space of disillusionment and make a move toward a new beginning through Her, is all i know what to do, and make some effort to put all the negative demons behind me, and try and make it work, i just need a break, of something to go with me, i can leave the lezzie talk, and make my initiative for something that works, i could do a lot of things that make me think that a corner is coming, but it will take some time, it will take some belief and more than that it will have to come from within to make me think that i have moved on, and not trapped in a circle with no way out, i dont know how to make it work, but it can happen, get on wiht everuthig, and hope like hell that i can mend some battles that i created for no good reason, and just try and move in the direction of restitution, so that i dont fall into a trap again, and make myself susceptible to an incomplete reality for this is the thing that i want so badly, that i think it can be done, it can be moved in a way to allow me to live again, it just requires some sort of ability to map out a space of a future that i can live with,

i wish i had something it meant something, it was fun when it did, it was a bit self-destructive, but it helped ease the pain even while it was creating new loneliness, it was something else altogether different for some timcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc, could it be conceivable that i am stuck on writing for some time, i dont have anything to say, all software, hiphop, basketball, business, and my life all used up, it has been all formulated so there is nothing left to go wtih, nothing left to say, and thta is a otugh feeling to realize, i cant seem to write my way out of the funk, and it seems to be a necessary condition to get going again

nothing to say, nothing to say, notjhing to say, nothing to say, nothing t say, nothing mroe to say, noting it all, nothing more ot sya, nothing else to say, nothing at all to say, is this the end is this is the end, is this the ens, is thig the ned, is this the end, is this the end, is this the end, nothing to sya, nothing to say,

urban porn groove

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0za

in the end it was night that consume him the most, it was her presence that he most obliged for to be a priority of mind, wherever he could go, he would stay, and that became one in itself

i have an opportunity to right a wrong, of massive proportions, and try and make my life have meaning again, though it will be a very distracting endeavor irrespective of the outcome, it will make it much more palatable to go forward, i wish i had a massive undertaking to keep me occupied, i wish i could have a life worth living again, i am suspect of my abilities i am suspect of my decisions, i do not know how to make music, i do not know what to write about any longer, i am simply going through the motions, and hoping like hell that something comes out of it, that something of providence will show its face to me, once again,

i am longing for the feeling of satisfaction i only get when i think of the life i once had, i wish like anything i could get back to the life i was building on November 1, 2008, that was a grand day in my life, i knew how to move forward, i knew what love was looking like, i had an ally that i am trying to re-court and i did not have to live with the consequences of fighting demons, and instead i had only hidden pain, but that was before i excised my pain, i removed all the doubt from my life, and i began to live without the back-up plan, in some small measure a freer man, a boy with some capacity to understand what was best for me,

now, i know what it will take without falling in to a trap again, of my own doing, i will understand how not to fight, how to just live and know what i am doing is legitimate, and not come across as some crazy fool, i know self-loathing will do me no good, but i feel helpless and sometimes hopeless, but i will go on, and hope to have another opportunity for love, for laughter, for life, something i have not had in all of 2009, and knowing the trajectory i am on, perhaps will not know for some time, if it does not come today, i miss my life that i was unhappy with, i miss the purpose, the self-perpetuation of a myth of dominance,

but its not too late for love, its not too late for laughter, its not too late for life to burst free again....