no clue

how this week ends up is anyone's guess, it could go in so many different directions, all i do is try and survive, it just seems like it is so unattainable most of the time, the days are long the nites are not late-affairs, because i am so stressed about doing the right thing, and because i dont have narry a drug to help me soothe the brain, it is really frustrating, and i blame the mental health community for over-reacting to my condition, i simply said i was in love with a pop star, and thought i could get her attention, then they lock me up, and say no to adderrall and marijuana, which helps me immensely just deal with the pressures, and i dont have to abuse, i could let who ever i am living with to monitor my intake, so it wouldnt be all the time, today i am stressed because the girl i love is not known to be a reality, and i am causing so much undue stress on the gurlfriend, who is pretty cool in her own right, and i am sick of waiting to know the truth, i will send you back to Mnhttn, and feel alright about it, soon, i will, i cant go through it much longer, its just not fair, i would like the chance to make an argument for myself, but i cant do it forever, it hurts too much, and i never dreamed i would meet someone like you, though i definitely never dreamed i would lose someone like you, i will have to do it, and be crushed but content, that i did everything i could, i have made every move possible, and if you dont think its good enough, then you might as well get on t.v. and announce your engagement to your "prince", your 'kingdom' is waiting for an answer, and so am i, i think we all are, everyone wants to know what is it going to be, i think you owe it to yourself, to come clean, and actually decide what you want to do, because it is unfair to everyone in addition to you, and you have every right to make sure you make the right decision, but what else can i do, but be available on thursday, and then move on if you dont show up, i have to do that, i have to be willing to do that, and so should you, its kind of an ultimatum, but i dont want to follow the gurls anymore, i am not a teenager, i wanna engage in the real world: nobody loves no one, and you have to make a choice...,,,