honey bear

that is the only name for you that is reserved just for you, ive used it in the first book to describe 88 and reverse, and the ex-gurlfriend, would likely get upset if i accidently said it in endearing fashion because she knew i was thinking about you when i said it, so it sticks with you, and will be what i call you when i just got to give you some love, like next week, i know it is difficult for you, you dont have to come this week, i can wait another week, and still be faithful, if you want to come on 2/17/11, that is fine, perhaps this week is too raw, i will leave that up to you, but it does not change my conviction of getting an apartment potentially by this thursday, i am going in the morning to pick it out, just in time for the weekend, which i will spend by myself, if you cannot yet make it, you dont have to be determined to make 2/10, if you have things you need to take care of, that is fine, i will not have sex with anyone else in our apartment or anywhere else, i owe you that, and the electric shocks that ran through my legs on friday nite as i awoke at 4 a.m. on saturday morning to have sex with the ex-gurlfriend was nicotine withdrawal because i just had them again, and i put some fresh pieces of nicorette in, and it calmed it altogether, so i dont need to have sex when the feeling builds inside me that i think that i cannot control, i just need fresh gum, not sex, i promise you that, i just thought otherwise, which is why i cheated on you in the first place, not because i am some sort of animal that has to get laid in order to sleep, when the feeling builds, it is just that nicotine is very strong, it has held me captive for a decade, and i know you are scared that i will die overtly young and leave you stranded, but i am quitting for good, i will not be a smoker by the time you get here, i can do it, you dont have to worry, i have weeks worth of gum left, and will get through, and will not see the ex-gurlfriend, i will stay truthful to you, if you just give me a chance, to make it up to you, i am sorry, i am really sorry i put you through additional pain, you dont have to make it this thursday as the only day which it will work, i just realized that i was going to get a place for us, and i got excited, so stay calm, and do what is best for you, i am just so looking forward to the day that i see you, like on my mental calendar when all the pain goes away, and i want it to be right, so stay confident in me, i will deliver, you can trust me again, i will just chew my gum, and stay busy preparing the apartment, and see if you cant come see me soon, like next week, pleaze do it, please come see me soon, i want to talk to you about so many things, it is building inside me, and i wont let it go, i wont bother you too much tonite as i have to get some sleep to go early in the morning to check out our apartment, and get it all settled, but there are no stipulations on my love for you, i will take you when you are ready, just read this, and be confident in me, sorry to bother you early in the morning, i will sign off now, and get some sleep, you are welcome to come see me whenever, whenever it works best for you, but i will be waiting patiently, after eight years, i can wait another week without doing the ex, you can trust me on that, i am sorry i made you sad, i wont ever do it again please forgive, i know its tough, but please forgive me, i love you completely, girlfriend, i will never do anything again to harm that, much to my delight i get to see you, and i am so supremely excited for that, just know that i will be with you, i am never ever giving up, not a chance, that is going to happen, perhaps i will treat you to some poems this weekend to get you through and get me busy, maybe ill have everything lined up in our new apartment, that you dont need any money for, perhaps it will just be perfect, after so long, and so many trials, i think you deserve that, my best is what i will give, i owe you that, please give me a sometimes considerable chance to make it right, i beg you to keep me, i wont disappoint...,,,

laughter

so, i am going to get now an apt., for the gurlfriend and i to move in to, but will jump at the chance to be with you, so you dont have to wreck your brain that you will have to wait forever, the gurlfriend will have to understand that i need to get to my girlfriend, after eight years of waiting, instead of much longer it has to come soon, there are things that need to be done, and enough time has seemingly been spent in the pursuit, so we will get it done, u just have to execute on your plan, and not stress about me, i am ready, and willing to do honestly whatever it takes to see you, if that means blowing up friendships or familial relationships, i will do it, there is nothing that is altogether going to stop it now, i am not going to deny you for the sake of anything, you just got to believe, and realize that thousands believe, and though its not going to be easy, it will be done, so hold tight to throughout the dream phase where we can soon enough make it to implementation phase, over time, this will even be considered just a memory, there is nothing that is going to stop it, nothing stopping it, so relax a bit, and get ready, dont stress, i am yours, nothing will change that, not drugs, not azz, not finances, nothing is going to stop it, so i know you are under a lot of stress, trying to make sense of it all, and i see another thursday without an announcement from you approaching fast, but i will be ok, i will not deny u when the day comes, will not say no, will only yield to stoplights, nothing else will stop me in my tracks from seeing you, i want to give you a big hug, and say thanks for watching out over me, honestly i owe you a lot, so dont worry, i will want to hear u laugh, and talk, cannot wait to hear your voice, it is almost here, so stay strong, and try and keep it all in perspective, you will be happy, i promise u you will be happy with me, i am pretty strong right now, much to my delight, i get to touch you, and see that even though it has been a long time it is all done and all the pain is over sometime this month, i think it will happen, and if you are really strong, you can be content with your decision, to turn your life over to a boy, that you have known about and sang to and desired for sooooo long, just trust and it will be here, laughter will get you through...,,,

the options

well, i am not really welcome where i am living, so the solution seems like to get an apartment in an apartment complex off Cherry, on the bus route, since i do not have a car, and i thought i would invite the gurlfriend to live with me, but she seems to now dislike the pursuit of the girlfriend, which cramps my style, so i am left with the little-liked option of living on my own, but perhaps the only tenable situation to my complex problems, while over-time trying to convince her to come out of hiding, sensing that i am close i still have no idea what she wants to do, and if she will ever come clean with me, with everyone, on what is going on, and so i just look obsessed and delusional, but am trying to get to her, so i dont know how to get her to make a move, here in lies the problem, how do i continue to go after her, when i dont know what she will do, she says she will never let me go, but i am kinda tired of waiting, everytime i move closer, she pulls away, and i am going to get myself in trouble if not careful, but perhaps it is worth the risk, i could use some insight, that is all...,,,

the weekend

going to try and party this weekend, i have no idea what to make of anything, going to move out of the house i have been in for the past six months, and try and live on my own, with my gurlfriend, she has been oh so kind knowing what i am going through, and still supporting me, trying to stay engaged even though i am altogether detached from reality, nothing much to report on, just trying to stay with it, need some drugs i think that will give me a good memory of a day, i wonder what Sue thinks about that, before you answer that know that i am down to about 5 smokes per day from a pack so just as you requested, i withstand the pressure, so i sign off...,,,

ahhh, thursday

whatcha gonna bring, to me, dont know much right now, but i know that i love you, and that could be worth everything, not much to say determined to make it through the nite, and see how i survive the wait, dont know what to expect, trying like anything to stay calm, not wanting to have a wave of emotions that keeps me up all nite altogether very much focused on getting some sleep, though it will be tough, just thinking about what you look like, knowing that i should be able to recognize you if given the loving chance, volumes could come out of me on this page, but i am low on an attempt to express what i am feeling, just nervous and excited, and potentially just relieved that i made it through the first part of the week, we shall see we shall see...,,,

totally

until i sort through the potentially lots of emotions going on right now, i am just trying to believe it all, transitioning from why oh why does this seem so unreal, like at any new moment you could pull-back, knowing i dont think you will, but when i see your smiling face, until then i wont be able to accept the real present scenario that this is real, knots in my stomach, it is all over-whelming, like the cold weather, it is almost unbearable, to wait through it all, i like your friends but do not favor them over your freedom, i will take both if possible, and i think that is doable if we can just get everything aligned, i think together anything is possible, i wanna believe so badly, i want to see the start of phase II, and after 23 years, i think we have waited long enough for the determined safety of an everyday relationship that sustains, i love you, cant you see that, i know you want to believe it, its almost here, i can feel it, i get chills just developing by thinking about how good it will feel to hug you, and just see you, sometimes after so much wait, and pain and wait, i see that it could all be so soon, if by Paris you mean GRR, much to my delight i carry that possibility, and will be so thrilled, i want to meet your friends, and though i have been confrontational, i only want the best for us, rather stealth-like, and if they are loyal to you, then that is all i need to know, i am excited, and ready, altogether cant quite believe that it could be here, cant quite get used to the feeling of knowing you, enough of me thinks that if before i can even sleep two more nites, that if J is going with you, i cant promise i wont cry little tears of joy, to ease the years of pain, that i made it through to the end, even when difficult, and if it is here, i look forward to meeting you again, totally in control, and just sighs of relief...,,,

oh my gosh

so, today i feel like i had a mini-thursday moment, and it seems like it will continue the week, which means that the end of the week will be a welcome relief, i just dont know what her plans are, i cant get much information out of her, and i have little in the way of solutions to offer, i just am playing along, betting that she has it all figured out, i at least taught her how prayers will work this morning, and that is what i will do when i get home, much to me delight, that at least i know the Goddess has me covered, even if i cant come up with answers to the rest of life's questions, i mean i am surviving, but it is with some loose ends that at times feel like open wounds, like what i rhymed about today, i dont want to see her as just a musician's wife, that is not right, wouldn't you agree?, i want to see her do something really special, i mean she worked hard in her twenties to get to the point to make a statement in her thirties, and i think i could help, and i want to be a part of the altogether solution that is staring us straight in the face, that the revolution is at hand, and it is time to organize the artists and the talent around a singular cause, that only she can deliver, considering the alternatives this would seem to be obvious to her i would think, but i continue to write as if i am convincing another person to learn a new language, i wonder what she thinks of me even if she is smitten, even if she wants me, which seems like it is affirmative, what does she want to do to make it known, i have been told its going to be big, but honestly i just want to talk with her, and not spend all her money, and follow-through on all her fame, i just want a chance to ask her some questions, i really want to meet my kindred spirit, so that i can guarantee that voice inside my head, that no, i am not alone, that there is at least one other person on this planet that thinks solidly like i do, and that will be the relief i have been long seeking, never coming close enough to it, to ever feel completely free, and though i am stable, i am under the micro-scope right now with all this theory talk, lots of them spinning in and out of my head, and i just want to know the truths that she has figured out, and see if it leads to some peace in time i will get it, but until she walks in and says hello, i will not know for sure, like wow, can i do this much longer alone, can i sustain the pace, the intensity, the pursuit indefinitely, i just dont know, i gotta think she realizes that starting a counter-revolution based on a new religion is too much for me to bear on my own, it just wont start without her, and she needs to trust me, which it seems like she is prepared to do, but i have a penis, so i am susceptible to mis-steps, i just dont want to make any major ones right now, i just want to feel the better vibe that comes from knowing her, and multiply that times infinity when she enters my life, i am ready, i really am, honey bear, i am ready for it, i can handle it, i will not back down from my claims, maybe i will go at a more gradual pace, but i will do it as i have always said, with enthusiasm, and if you have known about me for longer than i have known myself, would you not agree that i have become big enough to handle it, i feel mature, and seasoned, and ready to explode in countless different directions, if given the right push, i just sometimes wonder about children aloud, to the point that you might think i am making these decisions without you, and i dont think i am, i always have you in mind, it was always sinead nierika based on you, it because lauryn lilith when i was pursuing you, and i will consult with you on male names, because i dont know how to raise a son yet, i need your expertise, i need to do it with you, i want to do it with you, i want to make decisions based on your advice, and i am at a determined cross-roads, so that early on we have a process by which we invest our time and talent, so that it is full-fledged when we go in, and i cant do that without you here, you gotta take a step, in my direction, and i really do not want to spend another thursday with you, i dont wanna some Mlly without u, but i am at the point where all these things are coming at me, and i just dont know how to communicate it any more clearly, than i need you, i think you need me, i think you need to re-engage the battle, and the only safe way to do that is with me, in my estimation, there might be other avenues, but for 23 years you have wanted me, why not implement as soon as possible, and by that i mean like now, i am out of ideas to convince you of my conviction to this cause, i believe in it wholly, the world needs us together, and the forces are making moves in our absence, lets engage it, and rectify the pain, just think about the countless voices that would spring forth with a little backing, a little encouragement, and a peaceful gameplan to change the tide, it is all within reach, but i cant guarantee that rather stealth-like i will be able to continue with you not in my life, i am running out of options, out of time, instead of waiting, you have been calling out to everyone that you love me, and i am finally answering back, and now is the time to take advantage of it, and not go to Paris, but get her to come live with us, i wont mind, i like her, i wont sleep with her, but i will laugh my ass off at her, she is so funny to me, and has been very supportive, never have we needed more than we need her now, so why not forego holidays, and come now with her in tow, she likes me, i think she will trust me, and her power could be very useful, we could get a film done right away with her, that would set the stage, i see all of this unfolding, but you cant delay, i implore you to think about the urgency of the matters, and resolutely determine that now is the time, i think it is, and i want you to see that on your own terms, but just believe that i have this whole thing worked out when you come, so why not?...,,,