mental illness

i have it, i own it, i am it, there is no longer any escaping the diagnoses of schizo-affective disorder, some mania mixed in with occasional bouts with depression, sure it could become a crutch by which i fall in to to wash away all my problems, but i am not a born fighter, i would like to think i am just a born writer, to categorize my various obsessions: hiphop, hoops, software, GRR, Lilith, 2nd coming claims, and my life as i know it to be at the moment in time where i write, so when i go off the deep end, you are just going to have to believe that it is a pain point in my head, that i need to rid myself of in order to move on so i write about it, as i have no fewer than 16 blog identities, with a couple hidden, and a book that i wrote that is barely legible or perhaps readable, as it mixes in some of the obsessions, along with my love of the seminal television series, the L Word, if the muse of that book, Norah, were to ever read it, she would be aghast, and that is what some people who are actually close to me in real life have thought about my writing at least in the most recent round which lasted approximately from December 1, 2008 to April 1, 2009, a four month window of pain that i extracted by writing about it,

i do not intend to cause harm, sometime i get tweaked and write all day about a perceived pain point that i internalize and take it upon myself to stand up for a so-called cause, like what happened in early January with the middle east geo-political spectrum, or other times it can be a pain point that my life is not worth leading without some shoot-the-moon causelike creating a cult of followers of a female deity that will never be able to be shown is real, i made it all up for fun, and that is what faith is, a fun distraction from the realities of life on this planet, to believe that there is something celestial going on around us, to explain different scenarios, well, i just created Lilith as a buffer against over-masculinity of deity worship, when to me, it is women who deserve the worshiping as i have contended in blog entries even recently....

what can i do to live with the viewpoints that others do not share, namely everything that i come in to contact with i look at it from the other side of conventional logic turned wisdom, just to see what others seem to be missing, and then occasionally i get feedback that there are a few who see this other side of conventionalism, and even if they dont subscribe to it, they want to hear about whats on the other side, and that is why i write, i love to write, it is my one true joy other than to listen to the comedy performances of the tall drink of flavored water, i like to write to both get the stuff out of my brain, as well as to challenge myself to go deeper than the NY Times, People, US Weekly, or even the Economist, is willing to go in to an issue, and that is mentally problematic as it takes over at times, and leaves me exposed in a way that causes problems for my life, and though i do not have a police record, i may be rather well-known in the mental health profession for my delusions, that i need to keep in check,

i want to be your friend, i want to be normal, but i cant seem to find the rhythm to do it, i just fall in to traps that i make for myself, and though i will never again be a jihadist writer or a writer of lesbian cult formation, my two problem areas of the last four months, i need to write and so i hope that it is of a benefit to society when i get behind the keyboard to say things that surely cross the mind of a small sub-segment of the population of readers, though it will not impede me from having a viable life, i want to have a career where i just write, and get paid somehow for my musings, i know that a lot of people wish they could get paid for their hobbies, but i need to do it, i need to become something of an artist who gets paid for his creations, otherwise, i am stuck with no outlet to the ideas which swirl in my brain, and i am willing to keep them in check i dont want to be a danger to myself, but i do want to write and use free speech to challenge myself to bring to terms the bad stuff that i see,

i volunteer and i pass the time, tenuously, but what i would really like to do is become a freelancer for my mental illness, turn it in to a positive and make the most of it, so i apologize to anyone out there that i have upset, through words, i know words can hurt, i dont mean to hurt you, i dont mean to be mean, i just need to write it out, and not let it stew in my brain, and hopefully someday what i write will be palatable to a big enough population of readers that it forms a community of dialog, to vet out what it is that we all think and/or feel but are unwilling to discuss, or i will just chronicle the day-to-day going ons of my life, and it will be interesting enough to fuel readership, i dont know we will see, but i hope this somewhat explains where i come from, and i hope it helps you understand why i say the things i say, i have a mental disorder, it is diagnosed, it is there, but its not going to stop me,

i will use the forums i have created to better myself and in the meantime, maybe you all will accept the things that i write as normal enough to tolerate, and then through the great model of Google, i will make money off your eyeballs being transfixed to my page, lilith-willing, that is what i have in store for dd/lh/sz 2.0, thanks for listening.....