mental status

i think it is quite liberating to admit to mental illness, it gives me some topical latitude to discuss what has been going on in my life, and relate to other people with similar issues, though i dont know if paranoid delusions are good for anyone's health, i am coming to grips with the aspect of my life that is at the same time the most dangerous and in some ways the most liberating as i have never done anything at all violent, or self-destructive, i simply write what comes to mind, and hope that i am not too far off my tree to relay a particular point of view, that others may share or at least others may be interested in, for a brief point in time during their Facebook moments, to check out what it is i am saying although it may not be interesting every time, it is a testament that content reigns on the Internet, you can have all the most fancy technological features but without good solid writing, it is lost in the scramble for relevant materials,

so i write and write even when i am not feeling at all creative, and write even when i feel down, or perhaps especially when i feel down, i try to bring about the change in my life that i need to move forward, and appreciate the tall drink of flavored water for who she is, and appreciate my life for what it is, not superstar status, that is apparently reserved for my only biological sister,and someday i may get to do what i think i am cut out to do, in terms of business entrepreneurship, or perhaps i will be able to find a way to write for a living, which has been my goal for something like 20 years now, or perhaps i will just get to become a father, and work really hard to make it happen, but in essence i will not be so unaccustomed to the phrase of narcissist, and will cope better with my issues, and will not become embroiled in fantasy worlds, at least not the kind that do not make it to paper as opposed to dominating my head,

i was once a promising normal kid, and something happened to stir some passions in me, and i dont blame myself any more than i blame the kid with ADHD, but i got caught up in some intense materials and thought that in order for me to do the things i wanted to do, and for me to be free, i had to ensure that everyone everywhere was free, whatever that even means, i dont know, but i became an artificial fighter, and not a liver, not a proactive player but a reactive one, and that is not a good way to live, to be influenced by the press in a way that makes life unliveable, at least in a happy content way, for whatever reason i thought that my punishment of myself was going to free me from moving forward with regret, and so i made life interminably difficult, and made it artificial to the extent that i did not know what i was fighting for anymore, and that is a bad place to be, to not even know what the point is anymore,

i look back now in the not so distant past with apprehension that it would ever rear its head again, and i dont think it will not through the extent that it got me the last time, some months back, but i stay cautiously aware that i am fighting a shadow in my brain from ever coming back, and i feel completely safe form it, but i dont feel like losing the tall drink of flavored water again, and so i will stay alert that all that i want is within some reasonable reach, if i can stay on track and not lose perspective, i can accomplish basic human touchstone moments and sustainable emotional contributions to my own well-being, and not live so grandiose, but rather instead think about how to live in the moment, of my completely satisfactory life, and not worry about the small things and instead live for the now, i have never done that, but it would be an incredible accomplishment if i were to pull it off.....