all apologies

cleaning up a mess is what i am in the midst of doing after some months of checking out from reality it is what i have to do, and i am telling you this: saying sorry is the most liberating thing i have ever done, and seeing it come back to me in understanding and love and occassional pain makes it real and makes me happy, i appreciate the concern that everyone has shown me, literally without reservation the people who i have hurt or offended seem to be allowing me to let go of the stress of what i did to cause consternation and associated pain by apologizing, from my hiphop mogul of a hero in Rick Chyme to the tall drink of flavored water, of course, to even potentially people who only knew me professionally, i am putting my life back in order, and along with it finding the courage and the ability to write about it, as so many people form my mother on across the great spectrum of truly great friends that i have and family members who didnt understand something that i did not even understand was going on in my life, all the people who were baffled as to what side i was showing in December and January and even through February and March, these associates, compadres, and lifelong mentors are showing that if you just lay it on the line, and accept responsibility the benefits come back in spades,

i dont know what my life is going to be but i promise to all you out there that the episode is behind me, i have tried to give a taste of it through my initial entries and all i can promise is that with time, i will do everything in my power to stay on the right path, that leads me to contentedness, thats all i want even if i cant make it work for everything i want, i am not going to check out from my responsibilities as an ally to those who shown love, and i will do all that i can to never spit the vitriol as i am too happy with my life as it is today and as it could be even better as time moves along, i am going to do whatever it takes to stay checked in, and i know i caused a scare with my words, i want everyone to know that was not the real me, it was a part of me, no doubt, i could not have written all that i did without something flying around in my head that caused me pain to reflect in a way that was just not fun, it was a difficult time period for me and everyone around me, and i just want to issue a blanket apology for that, and just work with the great equalizer of time to show that i want something different than what i was showing during the winter months,

its a real blessing, from a source that i do not understand and will never comprehend to come through the darkness and find light at the end of the tunnel, my family and friends were saying to me to slow down and take some in, i was hurting my perfect little baby sister, i was alienating people left and right, and i was causing myself to go through something that no one should have to go through at any time, so i need to take it easy and soak in the rays of peace and follow through on some promises to not let the darkness spread like it has recently but not too recently as i am living again in the moment, and not taking anything for granted, sure i could moap around and not trust that some changes will come from my efforts to live more freely, but i have been down that path before and it is not pleasant, so i am trusting again and just hoping that whatever is for the best for me will come to fruition and if i dont get what i think i want, then i will move on, and will not freak out, and lay some barriers to the rest of my life,

i know all of this can become tedious to write and write some more about the past, and my current mental state, but it is liberating for me, to portray myself as trustworthy, and i promise i will not do more than what is easy for me, i will relax and will let it come to me, and i will lay down the arms of a fighter who has had his day, as i remember i had to do after turning 30, so to i have done it permanently now after turning 35, and so i will move on and keep you informed through these posts, and please understand i am not trying to justify anything, i am merely trying to move forward, and this is my therapy, this is my peace, this is my happiness, and i thank all of you whether you have heard from me or not, that i am moving forward and not looking back, and the past is done it is gone, i will not go back, and i will simply try my best to keep doing everything i can to stay on track, thanks for your concern, or at least your passing read of these posts......

mental status

i think it is quite liberating to admit to mental illness, it gives me some topical latitude to discuss what has been going on in my life, and relate to other people with similar issues, though i dont know if paranoid delusions are good for anyone's health, i am coming to grips with the aspect of my life that is at the same time the most dangerous and in some ways the most liberating as i have never done anything at all violent, or self-destructive, i simply write what comes to mind, and hope that i am not too far off my tree to relay a particular point of view, that others may share or at least others may be interested in, for a brief point in time during their Facebook moments, to check out what it is i am saying although it may not be interesting every time, it is a testament that content reigns on the Internet, you can have all the most fancy technological features but without good solid writing, it is lost in the scramble for relevant materials,

so i write and write even when i am not feeling at all creative, and write even when i feel down, or perhaps especially when i feel down, i try to bring about the change in my life that i need to move forward, and appreciate the tall drink of flavored water for who she is, and appreciate my life for what it is, not superstar status, that is apparently reserved for my only biological sister,and someday i may get to do what i think i am cut out to do, in terms of business entrepreneurship, or perhaps i will be able to find a way to write for a living, which has been my goal for something like 20 years now, or perhaps i will just get to become a father, and work really hard to make it happen, but in essence i will not be so unaccustomed to the phrase of narcissist, and will cope better with my issues, and will not become embroiled in fantasy worlds, at least not the kind that do not make it to paper as opposed to dominating my head,

i was once a promising normal kid, and something happened to stir some passions in me, and i dont blame myself any more than i blame the kid with ADHD, but i got caught up in some intense materials and thought that in order for me to do the things i wanted to do, and for me to be free, i had to ensure that everyone everywhere was free, whatever that even means, i dont know, but i became an artificial fighter, and not a liver, not a proactive player but a reactive one, and that is not a good way to live, to be influenced by the press in a way that makes life unliveable, at least in a happy content way, for whatever reason i thought that my punishment of myself was going to free me from moving forward with regret, and so i made life interminably difficult, and made it artificial to the extent that i did not know what i was fighting for anymore, and that is a bad place to be, to not even know what the point is anymore,

i look back now in the not so distant past with apprehension that it would ever rear its head again, and i dont think it will not through the extent that it got me the last time, some months back, but i stay cautiously aware that i am fighting a shadow in my brain from ever coming back, and i feel completely safe form it, but i dont feel like losing the tall drink of flavored water again, and so i will stay alert that all that i want is within some reasonable reach, if i can stay on track and not lose perspective, i can accomplish basic human touchstone moments and sustainable emotional contributions to my own well-being, and not live so grandiose, but rather instead think about how to live in the moment, of my completely satisfactory life, and not worry about the small things and instead live for the now, i have never done that, but it would be an incredible accomplishment if i were to pull it off.....

the renaissance girl

nierika is a name that i am familiar with through my love of dead can dance and my own desire to have a daughter someday and it is fun to dream about what she would be like if a daughter did get a name inspired by the song of the same title, as she would be a writer and potentially a precocious little thinker, complete with her own approach to the fun challenge of being the child of a mental patient and a comedian, her father the former, her mother the latter, she would be engaged in so many activities, and it means that there are potentially too many hobbies and interests for her to undertake in order to keep up with her father's aims to make her in to a blogger at age 7, but i think that she will be able to manage, such as writing about how to be a highly effective child, and then publishing her own book on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Children to relay to her reading audience how a child could best articulate what it means to grow up in the Google era, of ubiquitous access to online resources, even for children, and so there would have to be consistent monitoring to protect her from the nuances that trap people in to an unwanted message online, but that would be explicitly relayed in the tools she uses to access online,

and she would be a tennis player in the mold of the Williams sisters, Venus in particular, the happy go lucky spirit of a girl becoming a woman in the sport of her choice, and she would be a follower of Lilith inspired religious diversity, possibly in training to become a young minister of the blossoming Lilith religion, and potentially an author on how to live within the guidance of the goddess, she will be a force and she will be hilarious like her mother, the tall drink of flavored water, as i love them both wholeheartedly, and with everything i have, as they reflect each other, i lohembak them and all that they do, her mother, the tall drink of flavored water cracks me up every day that i talk with her, it is a shame it took me this long to realize how much i am in love with her, she is the ultimate woman in my eyes, she supports me after she has forgiven me for all my indiscretions in treating her poorly, not cheating on her physically, just mentally checking out from her, as i fought with all that i have not to fall for her, and it was to no avail, i cannot escape it, it is everywhere around me, i am in love, and will only be happy in her company, and will only be happy to see Nierika come in to this world from her, and then you have the potential to have the two funniest women in my life, the girl who cracks me up all the time, actually agreeing to be with me and make me happy by being with me, and making me laugh with her antics about our future daughter if we are so blessed to live out a dream of having a girl, and if it is a boy, i will not be broken i will be happy without children if i am with her, but especially because we carry on the same passion for children, will be an attempt to bring children in to this world through our love,

i love to laugh, it is what i do best, i love people who make me laugh, they are high on my list of preferred people to hang out with, and that is obviously the place reserved most importantly for the tall drink of flavored water, and so naturally her daughter with me will be hilarious cracking jokes all the time, just laughing and loving those in her life who treat her right, she will be the class clown, but the smartest one, as well, blogging after school about the days events, and checking her online personas to see what her online life brings her every day is a joy in my life, as i have known no one so committed to the online profiles than her parents, it is their main intersection, so Nierika will be an expert at the internet by age 6, and will be savvy enough to stay within the bounds of acceptable use, so that she develops skills that allow her to get ahead in school, and become a writer, and a poster, and a community participant, par excellence, so that her parents who have long maintained an online love affair, will be proud of their daughter, and her ability to learn so fast through trial and some errors, so that when people think of the offspring of the tall drink of flavored water and me, they think of a well adjusted child along with her potential siblings.....

mental illness

i have it, i own it, i am it, there is no longer any escaping the diagnoses of schizo-affective disorder, some mania mixed in with occasional bouts with depression, sure it could become a crutch by which i fall in to to wash away all my problems, but i am not a born fighter, i would like to think i am just a born writer, to categorize my various obsessions: hiphop, hoops, software, GRR, Lilith, 2nd coming claims, and my life as i know it to be at the moment in time where i write, so when i go off the deep end, you are just going to have to believe that it is a pain point in my head, that i need to rid myself of in order to move on so i write about it, as i have no fewer than 16 blog identities, with a couple hidden, and a book that i wrote that is barely legible or perhaps readable, as it mixes in some of the obsessions, along with my love of the seminal television series, the L Word, if the muse of that book, Norah, were to ever read it, she would be aghast, and that is what some people who are actually close to me in real life have thought about my writing at least in the most recent round which lasted approximately from December 1, 2008 to April 1, 2009, a four month window of pain that i extracted by writing about it,

i do not intend to cause harm, sometime i get tweaked and write all day about a perceived pain point that i internalize and take it upon myself to stand up for a so-called cause, like what happened in early January with the middle east geo-political spectrum, or other times it can be a pain point that my life is not worth leading without some shoot-the-moon causelike creating a cult of followers of a female deity that will never be able to be shown is real, i made it all up for fun, and that is what faith is, a fun distraction from the realities of life on this planet, to believe that there is something celestial going on around us, to explain different scenarios, well, i just created Lilith as a buffer against over-masculinity of deity worship, when to me, it is women who deserve the worshiping as i have contended in blog entries even recently....

what can i do to live with the viewpoints that others do not share, namely everything that i come in to contact with i look at it from the other side of conventional logic turned wisdom, just to see what others seem to be missing, and then occasionally i get feedback that there are a few who see this other side of conventionalism, and even if they dont subscribe to it, they want to hear about whats on the other side, and that is why i write, i love to write, it is my one true joy other than to listen to the comedy performances of the tall drink of flavored water, i like to write to both get the stuff out of my brain, as well as to challenge myself to go deeper than the NY Times, People, US Weekly, or even the Economist, is willing to go in to an issue, and that is mentally problematic as it takes over at times, and leaves me exposed in a way that causes problems for my life, and though i do not have a police record, i may be rather well-known in the mental health profession for my delusions, that i need to keep in check,

i want to be your friend, i want to be normal, but i cant seem to find the rhythm to do it, i just fall in to traps that i make for myself, and though i will never again be a jihadist writer or a writer of lesbian cult formation, my two problem areas of the last four months, i need to write and so i hope that it is of a benefit to society when i get behind the keyboard to say things that surely cross the mind of a small sub-segment of the population of readers, though it will not impede me from having a viable life, i want to have a career where i just write, and get paid somehow for my musings, i know that a lot of people wish they could get paid for their hobbies, but i need to do it, i need to become something of an artist who gets paid for his creations, otherwise, i am stuck with no outlet to the ideas which swirl in my brain, and i am willing to keep them in check i dont want to be a danger to myself, but i do want to write and use free speech to challenge myself to bring to terms the bad stuff that i see,

i volunteer and i pass the time, tenuously, but what i would really like to do is become a freelancer for my mental illness, turn it in to a positive and make the most of it, so i apologize to anyone out there that i have upset, through words, i know words can hurt, i dont mean to hurt you, i dont mean to be mean, i just need to write it out, and not let it stew in my brain, and hopefully someday what i write will be palatable to a big enough population of readers that it forms a community of dialog, to vet out what it is that we all think and/or feel but are unwilling to discuss, or i will just chronicle the day-to-day going ons of my life, and it will be interesting enough to fuel readership, i dont know we will see, but i hope this somewhat explains where i come from, and i hope it helps you understand why i say the things i say, i have a mental disorder, it is diagnosed, it is there, but its not going to stop me,

i will use the forums i have created to better myself and in the meantime, maybe you all will accept the things that i write as normal enough to tolerate, and then through the great model of Google, i will make money off your eyeballs being transfixed to my page, lilith-willing, that is what i have in store for dd/lh/sz 2.0, thanks for listening.....

mothers day

since i wont be blogging on sunday, i thought it would be good to stop and take a moment to appreciate all the mothers in my life, as well as the women who will someday make great mothers themsleves, or at least will remind me how much i worship women, in general, namely from the source of my pride and lasting love, Lilith disciples, whether in name or in spirit, they forgive me my faults, or at least my follies, and they continue to allow me to be a part of their lives when i have no business taking on any responsibilities that may assist them, or in the other way of putting it, they dont expect anything from me, so i carry on knowing them ancillarily, such is the case with lots of the mothers at the Globe, my apartment building in downtown GRR,

there are a few who i say hello to anytime i see them, and i appreciate that for it gives me some interaction with my neighbors, and i would like to be a part of their lives in some small way, just to get to know them, and play basketball with their sons, or laugh at their daughters doing all sorts of antics, which is why i allow hiphop the feline, a.k.a. LGF, go out in to the hallway sometimes to play or see whats going on, even sometimes when the little girl mafia who run the building are out there, so they can see the cat, and ask its name, etc...i adore kids i think they are so much fun, and i have no idea how to raise them yet, but i am formulating a plan in my head based on the wide spectrum of datapoints that show me best practices, from Marion to Caroline to Nora to Holly to all the unknown named girls i see around the building, and all the boys that i have taught tennis to, and watched in detention, and all the girls who play tennis, and all my relatives and their children, who i get to interact with from time-to-time, and its exhilirating,

i hope like anything i can become a parent someday, i want to be that stable, that funny, that proud, that invested in something other than myself, that i will push aside my interests to live for my children, and i know its not as simple as that, but i got to believe i will get a chance someday to do that, as i know how fascinated with the process i am, and how much i want to contribute my small offering to the world, through Sinead, Nierika, Piper, Lauryn, Andre, Marshall, Rakim, Talib or any of the other names i fancy somehow coming together one day to say that i am a dad worthy of being associated with mothers, and how unstoppable they are....i remember that Rob Bell video about women where he associated the essence of being a woman with being a mother, which is his perspective, apparently he has not had any other relationships with some women excpet through their child-rearing talents, which is o.k., but incomplete,

but on this day in May, when all the world celebrates mothers, i wanted to take a moment to encourage myself to write about the women in my life who cause me great pleasure in knowing them, and i hope there is a day where i will enter the secret club of parents who know how to struggle just enough to make it all worth it, and i know if that day does come along, i will be happy because i will be grounded enough to take stock of my life, and appreciate how far i have come in a short amount of time, a lot has happened in a short amount of time, i have founded the religion of Lilith, i have expunged my demons, and i live free for the first time ever, its a good feeling, to be free again, and to know that i can choose my path, and not follow the voices, just live, thats all i have ever wanted to do was just live, and if it were not for mothers and women to-be mothers, i would not have made it, so thanks,

i hope you can enjoy your day, that you have earned via the other 364 of perfection.....

dinner for 5

who would i choose to come to dinner wiht me, if i could select anyone in the world, possibly more than anyone on the planet, you should be able to decipher my selections avec my obsessions, over the past several months, so its Norah, Sinead, Lauryn, and the indisputable Mia Kirshner, i would have so much fun running that conversation like Favreau did on his show of the same name, and so here is a list of some questions i may ask:

- Lauryn, when you came out and declared yourself the 2nd coming, how did it make you feel, was it liberating or scary? (btw, i love that she did that, and i would tell her as much....)

- Sinead, what do you mean by your latest album, theology, and also why have you changed your word in your song off the cover of Sean Nuas Nua, from 'Lilith' to 'lily', what prompted that change?

- Mia, what impact has the Lilith museum exhibit on Toronto had on your career, what was the title of the episode of the t.v. show you were on, when it said 'left-hand of the goddess', which goddess were you all referring to?

- Norah, why are you not in a relationship with Mia?

i feel kind of tapped out on the piano player, since so much has been written to date, but the lingering question of her propensity to date men, seemingly, in the face of all evidence that she in fact prefers women, would leave me with no choice but to be direct, and hope that the food we are eating is good enough, like sushi, where she would not just storm off, as i was given the thought, that perhaps she knows all of this is being written and basically disagrees with it all, or something like that,

i would come back to Sinead, and ask her if it is ok to name my first daughter, if i am so blessed, after her, (l,l), and Lauryn the same, if i have a second daughter, (l,l),

and i would ask Mia if she would be willing to read a screen play when i get it done someday about the GRR L Word, and all that it entails, and after that was out of the way, i would apologize to norah for the obsession, and close out the intimate setting of my four favorite women, but not ending the night, but rather inviting HRC, Kweli, and Ziggy, along with the person who came up with the idea to have the dinner party in the first place, and open it up to some spinning of records and casual conversation, that could go in so many directions, considering the players in the room,

that would be my ultimate dinner for 5, and i will flesh out the details as they become available....