retry

i dont know what to admit to but i have made some mistakes and i guess the tough part is coming to terms with the inevitable pain of not being able to redo any of the steps that led me to this point, and so i guess you just move on, how does someone become so immersed in geopolitics that they forget reali life, and how someone gets in so deep with religion that they forget real perspective, i guess it all stems from a decision to move in to the fighter mode like i always do when challenged, i mean JDS nearly got me there, Mia Kirshner certainly did, and then even people in my life got me to think i had to fight back, when all they wanted to do was be in my life, it sucks to be in this position right now, and not know what will come next, and so i hope that this is my final mea culpa of my still relatively youngish life, and i hope i have learned from past mistakes, to just write about the truth, and leave the fighting behind, before it is too late, before it becomes too much, it almost has already,

but if i can move past the past and somehow reconcile all that has come to pass so far, is the only thing that i have to worry about, i can let go of the pain, and become a more relevant participant in my own life, something that i have not done so far, and i hate to think i am crazy, but thats the only reality i know will be part of the journey that i am on, i am lost as to how to recompensate some of the problems i have caused myself, to look beyond the pain, and just live again, i dont know what will come next and how i will live, but my reaction will be different, i will not fight or torch my adversaries especially when they are made up adversaries in my own brain in terms of what threat they actually pose to me so hold on for the next phase acceptably titled a beginning, but it will be the only reality i will live for not the made-up one i had before, but the more practical one that has me thinking and living positively there in my own life, not some made-up existence, it is ready for me to stop fighting....